


84,436,800 Seconds

by HaileyAnn, paolacrdgz



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band), One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Fluff, M/M, Military!au
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-12-09
Updated: 2014-01-26
Packaged: 2018-01-04 02:50:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 30,614
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1075653
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HaileyAnn/pseuds/HaileyAnn, https://archiveofourown.org/users/paolacrdgz/pseuds/paolacrdgz
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Niall's deployed to Iraq and Ashton wants him home.</p><p>Story in hiatus for a week or two, blame school.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> This is a love story not a military one so if something's incorrect don't jump on our dicks about it bye enjoy, updates will occur regularly on sundays

“Hello?” Niall answered the phone on the second ring. It was a nice Sunday afternoon, and today he’d decided he’d enjoy his house, his boyfriend and his free time. No need to go out, just relax. He desperately needed it.

“Hello, I’m calling for soldier Niall James Horan. This is Sergeant Margaret Walsh of third rank,” a lady’s voice replied on the other line. She sounded all business and no small talk. Not even a “how are you.”

Niall’s breath caught in his throat. He didn’t see any reason the Sergeant would be calling him unless it meant… “It’s him speaking,” he said hoping his nervousness didn’t show.

There was the shuffling of papers and the clearing of a throat before a response. “We are calling to request your deployment. Your services are needed in Iraq at the moment. I apologize we’re calling on your day off, but this was urgent.”

Niall felt as if a heavy weight landed on his stomach. He felt dizzy for a second and let himself plop down to the couch, looking at Ashton who’d just peeked through the window in the kitchen door with wide eyes. He felt fear washing over, knowing he couldn’t just say no. He breathed in deep and gulped hard before replying. “When would I leave?” He willed his voice to sound confident and strong.

“Your plane will leave at exactly 0600 hours tomorrow morning at the Long Island base. You will receive more instruction from your general once you arrive.” Nothing about her tone sounded sympathetic in the slightest.

“I’ll be there,” Niall replied in a smaller tone before the line went dead. He felt strange, as if he was in some kind of alternate reality. This just couldn’t be happening, not right now. He felt like crying so he took deep breaths and concentrated on not biting his fingernails. “Ashton?” Fuck his voice was cracking. “Can we talk please?”

Ashton seemed to understand what was going on, but he was still the most naive person around so he didn’t look too frightened yet. “Of course,” he said in his naturally chirpy tone. Something about his personality was just uplifting and always happy. It bothered some people, but Niall loved it every time Ashton giggled at the most random things. He wouldn’t be giggling after this.

Niall couldn’t bring himself to look at Ashton’s bright eyes without breaking down so he focused on a random spot on the wall. “They want me in Iraq,” he said simply, the words coming out in a whisper.

The younger boy’s expression changed as soon as the words left Niall’s mouth. “But…” He seemed unable to perform coherent sentences. His hand shook as he lifted it towards Niall, the silver band around his ring finger as noticeable as ever. “The wedding,” he finally got out.

This felt like getting stabbed in the chest. He held Ashton’s left hand and made eye contact. It was more painful than he’d originally imagined. He just looked so horrified. “It’ll have to wait,” he sighed. “Until I get back.” There was no hesitation in his tone, but he was vividly aware of the possibility of dying.

Tears sprung into Ashton’s hazel eyes, and he wiped furiously at them. “Yes. When you come back.” Maybe if he said it enough times it would actually happen. “When you come back,” he repeated again, like he was trying to convince himself of the idea. “When you…” He was unable to say it again.

Niall put his arm around his boyfriend’s shoulders. His fiancé’s shoulders, and held him tightly, letting him rest his head on his chest. “It’s gonna be alright...I’m gonna be alright. We’re going to be just fine. I promise.” He said as confidently as he could, but a nagging voice in the back of his head kept repeating he shouldn’t make promises he wasn’t sure he could keep.

“I’m gonna be just fine,” Ashton was unable to keep himself from saying. His voice was muffled into Niall’s chest. It was hard to keep the tears from rising now. “I shouldn’t even be crying, you’re the one leaving not me. You should be crying. Fuck.” A heavy sob shook his whole body.

Niall just hugged the crying boy tighter, as if that could somehow fix anything. He did want to cry, he was scared, and he didn’t want to leave his home, his life, but now he couldn’t let himself do it. It would only make everything much worse and real. He had to appear confident. He had to be strong. “It’s alright. You’re gonna miss me, I know. But you don’t have to worry, okay? I’ll be back. I’ll come back for you.”

Ashton was either too sad to argue or believed him. The former seemed more likely. “God. Fuck. Shit.” Little hiccups left his mouth after each word. It was unlikely for Ashton to swear. He did it, just not often. Most of the time he was telling other people not to swear. “Fuck, fuck, fuck.”

“Calm down,” Niall tried to say but it wasn’t effective as his voice wavered. “I’ll be back before you know it. Trust me, okay? Please don’t cry,” his volume had lowered with every word he said. He kissed the top of Ashton’s head. “Please.”

This didn’t seem to soothe Ashton, but the crying stopped and the room was filled with quiet hiccuping and sniffling. The energy had drained out of him, making him unable to reply.

“I’m sorry,” Niall said after a while of sitting quietly and stroking the other boy’s hair. “I know that we were just about to have  the wedding. I...I’m sorry,” He bit his lip before carrying on. “I’m leaving tomorrow.” It came out almost as a gasp.

A strangled cry left Ashton’s mouth, but he didn’t look up to face Niall. No more tears fell, but his expression resembled that of a kicked puppy. “Why didn’t they call you sooner?!” His voice was a mixture of heartbroken and angry. “We have less than 24 hours!”

Niall silenced him with a kiss, mostly because he couldn’t think of anything right to say. “I know, baby, I know it’s not fair I’m sorry. I truly am sorry. But we’ll make these hours last.”

Ashton pulled back, a giggly smile playing at his lips. “I’m getting snot on your shirt.” He tried to make his face more presentable, but he failed miserably. “Sorry.”

Niall kissed Ashton’s forehead before moving to his lips. “Come on, let’s go out for dinner before I go. We can go to that restaurant you like so much.” He knew this could be the last time he saw Ashton in a long time (or just the last time) and he was going to enjoy all he could.

“But you’ve got snot on your shirt.” Ashton tried to maintain his normal playfulness. “I can’t be seen with you in public when you’ve got snot on your shirt.”

Niall’s lips curved in a half hearted smile. “Then we can just stay here and cuddle. Just want to be with you. Wherever,” he finished each sentence with a kiss on different spots of Ashton’s face. He was scared. Oh so scared.

Ashton’s face turned the slightest pink. He hadn’t blushed while being with Niall since the early stages of their relationship. “I love you, you know I do, but shouldn’t you like… get ready? You’ll have to be up early…” His voice wavered.

Niall sighed as he realized how badly he didn’t want to do this. He regretted having ever listened to his dad. “I should. And I love you more. Don’t forget that.”

A soft chuckle escaped Ashton’s mouth. “I doubt that. Honestly, have you seen the camera roll on my phone?” he teased, referring to the numerous photos of Niall he had, doing random things throughout the day.

This made Niall laugh - the last genuine laugh he’d have in a while - and got up the couch reluctantly. “I notice the pictures you take more often than you think.” He tapped Ashton’s nose with a finger. “I’ll go pack.”

 

Ashton was not a morning person. It was even harder for him to wake up that morning when he knew what was going to happen. All night long he thought about the possible scenario of Niall never coming home, never being able to see the beautiful Irish smile again. He wondered if he held onto Niall’s leg, like children did with their parents often, that maybe he’d be forced to stay.

When Ashton finally dragged himself out of bed, Niall was already in his uniform. Green was definitely Niall’s color, and the very large combat boots made him almost as tall as Ashton. There was something in his eyes, something he couldn’t quite read. He was the most serious he’d ever seen him. “Good morning,” Niall said in a grim tone that didn’t match the words.

Ashton was vaguely aware of Niall speaking more focused on the fact that he was leaving and that he looked really hot in uniform, as sad as it was. “The only thing correct about that phrase is that it is morning. Nothing about it appears to be good.” He wasn’t crying again yet, but he suspected he would. Being in only boxers and a T-shirt (Niall’s actually) in the morning while living New York made the cold temperatures very unbearable, but his body was numb for that fact except Niall was leaving, and he might never see him again. His chest hurt thinking about it.

 Niall just stepped forward and hugged Ashton so hard he felt like he was choking. “I’m gonna miss you so bad,” the blonde boy whispered, voice full of feeling. “If I could stay I would. I’m sorry.” Those words again. Tears threatened to spill.

Ashton circled his arms around Niall, resting his cheek against the top of Niall’s hair. It probably wouldn’t be his hair for long. “I’ll miss your pretty hair,” he whispered.

“I’ll miss your eyes, and your smile, and your laugh, and waking up to your face every morning,” Niall said, looking away as if it pained him, clenching his jaw. “It’s getting late,” he murmured.

Ashton seriously contemplated sitting on Niall’s foot and holding onto his leg to keep him from leaving. “Niall,” he said desperately, confirming his suspicions when tears formed in his eyes again.

Niall returned his gaze to Ashton’s eyes and his eyes were finally clear. He was scared. “Goodbye,” he said in a tone that didn’t sound like his. He wrapped his arms around Ashton’s neck and kissed him slowly but passionately. The last one in a long while…

“I-” Ashton was going to say “I love you” but something snapped inside him. “No. Niall, please.” Suddenly there more tears and more painful drying-heaving like sounds. “Niall.” It came out like a whine and cry mixed together.

All the older boy did was wrap him in a hug again, getting a hand up to his hair. “I don’t want to leave. But I’ll be back soon. Don’t you forget about me.” Niall’s voice broke at the end but when he pulled back slightly his eyes were dry. “I love you.”

Ashton didn’t care if he was acting like a three year old having a temper tantrum. “Niall, please.” He was perfectly aware that there was nothing Niall could do about it now, but the person to blame wasn’t here at the moment, so he settled for his boyfriend. “Please.”

Niall pulled Ashton’s head down to plant a sweet kiss on his forehead. His lips were quivering against his skin. Eventually Niall tried to pull back. “I need to go. I’m so sorry.”

“No.” Ashton didn’t remove his arms from around Niall, only gripped him tighter. He was very aware of how immature he was acting and normally would’ve been embarrassed of himself. “I can’t-” Finish my sentences, he thought.

“Please don’t make this harder,” Niall’s voice was softer than velvet. He’d never talked like that before. He took Ashton’s hands from behind his back and made him break the hug. He kissed him softly again. “I love you,” he said once more. “Forever.”

 


	2. Day 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> don't hate us please (:

It hadn’t even been 24 hours. Ashton didn’t feel like getting out of bed. At least while bundled up in the sheets he could pretend Niall was out in the kitchen making pancakes and would any minute come into the bedroom and jump on Ashton and tell him to get up before the food got cold and he was late to class.

Except none of that was going to happen.

Ashton buried himself deeper inside the blankets, hoping he’d fall back asleep and re-dream their future wedding for the millionth time. He was trying to convince Niall of a wedding in the winter so that they could take pictures in the snow. Ashton prayed to all gods that it would still happen, no matter what time of year or where. It just needed to happen.

English Lit started at 10 and it was already 9:43. Oh well, Ashton thought, try again tomorrow. Ashton tried to imagine what Niall would say to him for thinking that way, but all he could hear was his boisterous laugh and his eyes crinkling up slightly at the corner. Niall’s hair was freshly blond again, and Ashton hoped it still was the next time he saw his boyfriend.

After Ashton had thrown his fit, and Niall actually did leave he cried for hours. He really wished he was exaggerating, but he did. It made his throat burn and his eyes almost crusted over with tears.

It had taken a good five hours for Ashton to eventually pass out while cuddling one of the couch pillows to his chest. Niall’s promise that he would be back soon rang in the back of his mind as a constant reminder. It probably wouldn’t happen, but it was all the hope Ashton had to hang on to.

He would have liked to wallow in more self pity, but that would only encourage him the next day to do the same. No, he was going to learn to adjust to life without Niall temporarily, emphasis on the temporarily. Niall would come back, it would happen.

Ashton knew it would take time to adjust and that it wouldn’t happen all at once. Which was why he’d decided to do it slowly. Starting with getting out of bed. He’d already decided not to go to class.

It felt weird to not be with Niall. Ever since they started dating sophomore year, they’d only been away from each other a few times and never for long.

Ashton eventually dragged himself out of bed and kind of hobbled to the bathroom to get ready. Everything he did seemed to be in slow motion and with lack of expression (not that brushing his teeth really involved any expression). He tried to avoid looking at himself in the mirror, pretty sure his outer persona matched his inner. If it did, it would not be a pretty sight to look at.

The shirt he was wearing was the same one as yesterday (Niall’s) and desperately needed to be washed. So did the rest of Ashton but that could wait. He accidentally did look at himself in the mirror, it being habit to fix his hair in the morning.

Under his eyes were very prominent circles and dried tear tracks decorated his cheeks. His face had seen better days. He didn’t really care about his appearance as it so happened, because he didn’t plan on leaving his house. Only trying to do normal things. Around the house. Socializing didn’t sound like a possibility.

Sometimes he didn’t leave the house and ditched class. The only difference now was that he didn’t have the most important person in his life with him. A day stuffing his face with comfort food and having a Harry Potter marathon sounded ideal.

That’s what he ended up doing. He changed his shirt into another one of Niall’s and a pair of sweats (even if it was pretty warm in the summer in New York) and then got all the essentials: popcorn, ice cream, and chocolate.

All his mind could focus on was the fact that there was the absence of a body next to him. Niall should’ve been there with his arms around Ashton. He should’ve been laughing at all the inappropriate times and then poking Ashton’s cheek when he scolded the blond boy.

In high school they’d been known as “The Couple”. Niall had been the star football player who was loud and always happy and didn’t seem to have an off switch. Ashton was pretty loud and happy too, just not in front of the whole school. When they’d started dating early Sophomore year (people had already been used to seeing them together since they’d been friends in Freshman year) everyone started to see how well they really worked together. Niall got pissed off and protective easily whereas Ashton was the optimistic one who would never not smile at someone. No one expected them to last past high school, hardly any relationships did. But they’d beat the system and lasted for years after.

Once Niall had proposed it had been confirmed it would continue for years more. Or so it had seemed until he’d been deployed. Ashton remembered vividly how Niall had proposed. The whole thing was so Niall-like. It had been the day after their five year anniversary so it hadn’t been expected at all. They’d been watching “Keeping Up with the Kardashians,” putting their entire manhood at stake. Ashton had been laughing for unknown reason when his boyfriend had randomly said, “Marry me.”

Ashton had taken a few moments to process what he’d said. It seemed like he would’ve been joking, but the expression on his face had been completely serious, not an ounce of humor. It wasn’t hard for Ashton to come up with an answer. A simple “okay” did just enough. There wasn’t any gushy long speeches of their declaration of love for each other. Just three simple words and a ring then they’d gone back to watching the television like nothing had happened.

Ashton wouldn’t have changed any of it for the world. All of it had been absolutely perfect.

The background music in Harry Potter jolted him back to reality. It was the part where Harry saw his parents in the mirror so he was forced to turn the TV off or he’d be crying again. There would be none of that today.

He was going to give up on his plan to be human and go back to bed but his phone started jingling so he was forced to have to socialize for a few minutes. Part of him hoped it was Niall calling, but that was stupid because Niall’s phone was where it always was when he wasn’t with him. On the charger by the microwave.

“Hello?” His voice didn’t even sound remotely like himself. It was croaky and high and it hurt his throat to speak.

“Ooh, bud, you sound terrible. Did the flu get you early?” The sound of his best friend brightened him a little bit, but Ashton didn’t feel like being happy at the moment.

“Uh, sure, we can go with that.”

Calum didn’t reply for several seconds, it sounded like he was laughing. “Seriously man, what’s the matter? You sound like a frog and mouse had a baby.”

“Your kind words are encouraging, thank you.”

“What happened? Did you fight with Niall? You guys always make up you know that.”

Ashton’s eyes stung at the mention of Niall but no tears fell. He seemed to be all cried out. “No. We didn’t have a fight.” His voice was stiff. He wasn’t sure if he would tell Calum, he couldn’t even think about it without crying. Voicing what had happened would be even harder.

“Ashton?” Calum’s voice had changed from teasing to understanding.

“I-I don’t want to talk about it. Just don’t bring-” His voice cracked. It was impossible for him to say it. “Him up. Don’t bring him up.”

“I won’t. How long have you been cooped up inside? Is that why your voice is messed up? Have you been crying? Aw, Ash.”

“Is there something you called for Calum?”

“Yes. To hang out. And now that I’ve learned of your situation I’m going to force you out even if I have to come over and drag you out myself.”

“I really don’t feel like going out, Cal.”  Even if he sounded almost incomprehensible, it was obvious how drain he sounded.

“Too bad. I’m going to make you smile.”

Ashton just sighed and hung up the phone.

 

Calum didn’t lie when he said he was going to come drag him out. He barged in, (the door hadn’t been locked), demanded that Ashton do something about his hair, and when he didn’t, he pulled him by the arm into the bathroom.

There, Calum had taken a towel and wiped all ick off his face and then attempted to tame his wildly short brown hair. “You smell like a dead cat.”

“I feel like a dead cat.” Ashton blinked a few times. “I mean. I don’t know what I mean. Don’t make me go out. I don’t want to.”

“Well you’re going to. C’mon, just some ice cream and then you come back here and be anti-social all you want. Didn’t you have class today? Shame on you, I thought you were a good little nerd.” Calum was talking in a sarcastic tone, but he looked at Ashton affectionately.

Ashton was too tired to protest anymore, and he followed Calum outside into his tiny Mini Cooper. Calum chatted to him idly, mostly about how Luke wanted to buy a puppy and he didn’t, and then he pulled up in front of Coldstone and gently guided Ashton out of the car.

Calum ordered for him, Ashton always got the same thing--cotton candy and sweet cream mixed together with gummy bears.

“Are you gonna tell me what happened now?” Calum asked, once they were safely seated on a bench by the bookstore away from everyone.

“Do I have to?” Ashton wasn’t going to waste the ice cream so he took small bites with his mini taste testing spoon. The cold was soothing on his throat but the burn returned immediately after.

“No.”

Ashton knew that really meant yes. “Y-yesterday Niall’s services were requested in Iraq.” Goddamit, Ashton, don’t cry in public. “I don’t know how long he’ll be gone. Or if he’ll ever come back.”

“Oh, Ash…” Calum lost his normally snarky attitude. “That’s awful.” He reached over and gently squeezed his thigh. “You’ve got us while he’s gone, we’ll always be here for you. You know that.”

“I know. But I’m just… He’s been in my life for a long time. I just want him to continue to be in my life and. Not die.” Ashton wasn’t realizing what he was saying before it was too late, and he sucked in a breath. “No. No. No.”

Calum was all sympathy. “You’ve just got to hope, it won’t hurt anything. Just don’t like… Tear your life a part all right? Keeping being the bubbly Ashton we all, Niall especially, love, okay?”

“Is that really how you guys describe me? Bubbly?”

“The bubbliest,” Calum confirmed, poking the dimple in Ashton’s cheek when he smiled a little bit. Ashton was grateful for Calum’s company, even if he’d been stubborn about it before.

“I like to think of myself as more free spirited than bubbly.”

“Think whatever you like, man, you’re so fucking bubbly it’s sickening, but we love you for whatever unknown reason.”

Ashton looked up from his ice cream up at Calum. “Thank you.”

  
  
  


Niall couldn’t fall asleep. He was exhausted, but his brain wouldn’t let him rest. The image of Ashton crying was haunting him, and he felt angry.

Angry at himself, for enlisting in the first place. At his dad, that’d made him believe that the only way he could prove himself worthy was joining the army. At Ashton, because he’d made it so much harder to leave, and especially at the fact that he wasn’t there, sleeping beside him.

He hadn’t allowed himself to show any weakness in front of Ashton, knowing that if he appeared confident it’d reassure his boyfriend the slightest bit. He’d even tried to reassure himself that everything would be fine, but reality always kicked in. He wasn’t immortal. Behind every calming phrase and promise he’d said and made he was freaking out. This wasn’t training, this was the real thing. War. It still felt surreal. Not only did he face the possibility of dying out there, but he’d be forced to kill others and he wasn’t sure he was ready for the guilt. He was sure he’d made the wrong choice when signing up for this, and he’d probably regret it forever.

Even if he survived, he was worried his relationship with Ashton wouldn’t. Long distance, minimum communication...he knew Ashton wasn’t a cheater, and they’d been together for so long but he couldn’t help but fear he would leave him for someone who wouldn’t leave. Ashton was charming and adorable, and losing him would be unbearable.

He looked around the room, running a hand at his newly shaved head. Soldiers were sleeping in nearly every bunk. Young, old. There were some that looked as new as he was, and many that just looked worn out, drained. They didn’t look peaceful while sleeping, permanent frowns on their faces, shuffling around under the sheets. He felt small. He never wanted to look like that. He didn’t belong here.  

Niall didn’t notice when he did finally fall asleep. It was a dreamless sleep, and he woke up to an aggressive alarm, much too early for his taste. The sun wasn’t even half the way up in the sky yet. He followed the rest of the men as he hadn’t had the opportunity to get to know this new place he’d be staying in and had no idea where he was supposed to get breakfast. No one really looked at him, as if they were used to seeing new faces. He’d always been loud and outgoing, but it didn’t seem right to just go around smiling at everyone in this grim environment. He sat away from everyone else, avoiding eye contact. Some seemed to be friends, and Niall wondered how did you get to like and appreciate someone you met at war.

The food was terrible. He wished he could cook his own, like he did at home. Ashton had always said it was amazing. Thinking of him made him lose his appetite completely. He wondered what he was doing, if he’d decided to get up and live on or had he continued to suffer and cry because of him. The thought just made him feel even more terrible. He never wanted Ashton, sweet and loud and just generally happy to cry because of him, but this wasn’t the first time and probably not the last one.

He remembered the first time he’d made him cry. It hadn’t been intentional, of course, it hadn’t been on purpose ever. Freshman year. He had just met Ashton a couple of months back, and though he kinda liked him he wasn’t doing anything to get him yet. Ashton seemed like the kind of guy that wouldn’t settle for a fun night, and he wanted to play his cards right. So, in the in between, he settled for an easy lad at a party. It all had been good fun, some kissing, dirty dancing and laughs. Now, he hadn’t known Ashton was at that party and obviously wasn’t aware of the massive crush the younger boy had on him. It wasn’t until his friend Sean hit him on the arm accusingly and told him Ashton was crying in the bathroom that he decided maybe he was having too much fun and went to search for him. It was a sight he never wanted to meet again. It was bizarre and heartbreaking to see someone as lively as Ashton so sad, he just wanted him to smile again. Laugh obnoxiously. Anything that wasn’t crying. He had planned to apologize but there wasn’t anything he could have apologized for. They were just friends. So yeah, it had been incredibly awkward and he was set to never ever repeat that episode.

But when you’re dating someone, it was just bound to happen. And even though they made up after every single fight, some tears are usually shed in the meanwhile. He couldn’t bear to think he’d be crying more, and all because of him.

It was comforting to think he’d made Ashton cry happy tears, too. Like when he’d called a radio station for around four hours to dedicate him  a song on their second anniversary. Of excitement, like when he’d got them tickets for a concert that was sold out (connections were good). Tears from laughing so hard, and these had happened too many times to count. A manifestation of happiness that somehow seemed more intimate than a smile. These memories were the reason he was going to do anything he had to in order to return home alive.  

Breakfast went by too slow, but maybe it was because he wasn’t eating anything and nerves at what was coming were strong. He was still lost in his thoughts when a guy sat down next to him. He smiled at the stranger tiredly.

“Hi. Soldier Louis Tomlinson at your service,” the guy said in an energetic tone, and offered Niall a hand to shake. He did, and muttered his own name. Louis’ eyes were a piercing blue, and they looked hard with determination and purpose. Even though he was smaller than most of the others he was intimidating.

“So Niall. I decided you seemed a little too lonely over here and that maybe you could use some company. You look like you’re new and I’m new too so we could maybe help each other out in these foreign grounds,” Louis said in something of a squeaky tone. It didn’t sound like a suggestion as much as it sounded like an order. Niall found himself already liking Louis. He reminded him of himself in situations other than war, though a bit more forceful.   

Niall nodded slowly a couple of times before replying. “Agreed. I could definitely use a friend,” he dared a little smile at Louis, which he returned. “So where do you come from?”

“Washington DC. I was called to come on a very short notice. It was hard leaving home so suddenly you know? Had to deal with a lot of tears.” Louis’ tone suggested he was trying to suggest it had been a bother, but in reality he just sounded worried and sad.

“Tell me about it. My fiancé was refusing to let go of me.” There was a thoughtful pause. “I felt really bad about leaving.”

Louis sighed his agreement. “It made me reevaluate my whole life. I had hoped I’d never be deployed.” Another long pause. “Guess we don’t always get what we want.”

“Definitely not.” Niall didn’t know why he was opening up to this near stranger, but this stranger was in the same boat as him and there wasn’t much time they could spend building a proper friendship when they could die tomorrow. “I was going to get married soon.” Saying it out loud made it so much more painful.

“I’m sorry man,” Louis said and he sounded sincere. He took a picture out of his chest pocket and showed it to Niall. It featured long hair Louis and an attractive curly haired man. “This is my boyfriend, Harry. We’ve only been dating for two years but it was really hard to leave him. He can get pretty stubborn, and he just wanted me to stay home.” He glanced at Niall when he didn’t answer right away. “You don’t have any problem with me being gay right?”

Niall snorted out a laugh. He took a picture of Ashton he’d been keeping in his wallet until that morning. It was a little faded since he’d had it for some time now, but it was still his favorite. “My fiancé,” he said setting the picture on the table. Louis’ lips curved in a smile but before he could say anything an alarm signaling the end of breakfast rang, and then Niall was sent off to his first expedition.  


	3. Day 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you could give us some feedback it would be awesome, thanks for reading!

“Excuse me?” Niall asked looking at Ashton with a small glare, like he suspected he’d misheard. Ashton suddenly felt really small, and barely had the nerve to repeat his exact words, attempting defiance.

“I said,” Ashton mumbled with his best attempt at confidence, “that you’d rather be out with those friends of yours than you would with me.” He was very aware of his voice shaking slightly despite his best efforts for it not to. He balled his hands into fists to try to keep still.

Niall’s eyes narrowed so there was just a tiny slit he could look through. “And you think that because…?” He waved his hands as if asking him to keep talking and explain further. He was clearly defensive, he hadn’t been in an amazing mood that day.

Ashton huffed and crossed his arms over his chest. “I only see you at school and even then you’re playing football most of the time during break. These past four Saturdays you’ve been out with them. I haven’t seen you.”

“Well, I’m sorry I’m not your perfect fantasy boyfriend, alright? You see, I have life outside of my relationship with you,” Niall spat out with venom. If looks could kill, Ashton would be dying.

Ashton was frustrated that he couldn’t get his point across. He made several hand motions. “You… Why can’t I be a part of that life? Why is it so hard to want to spend time with me? This is not how it’s supposed to work.”

“In case you haven’t noticed, I’m spending time with you now. You know, no one likes clingy people. Sometimes I just want to have a break and have fun with friends. It’s not a big deal Ashton,” Niall rolled his eyes and looked away, clearly annoyed. He never called him Ashton.

Ashton sucked in a sharp breath. He wasn’t sure if he was angry or if he wanted to cry. “Yeah, we’ll it’s a big deal to me.” He tried to glare at his boyfriend, but it looked more like a grimace.

“Then why don’t you get yourself a boyfriend that follows you around like a dog? I’m sorry, I can’t do that,” Niall alternated between looking at the other boy and at random stuff in the room. It was clear that he was starting to get nervous.

“Is that what you want?” That was definitely not what Ashton wanted. Niall had been being a shit these past few weeks, but he did not want to end things. At all. When they actually were together Ashton was happier than he’d ever been. Except for now.

Niall took a long while to reply this time. “I don’t know. If you want me to change my ways for you, I’m not sure I’ll be able to. If you’d be happier with someone else then...”

“You’re not answering my question. This isn’t about what I want, because I don’t want to at all, what do you want?” Ashton’s heart pounded with anticipation.

“No,” Niall snapped. “No, but you have to understand I can’t dedicate all of my time to you.”

“I’m not asking you to,” Ashton hissed back. “I’m asking to be acknowledged every so often.” He felt very codependent of Niall, but he couldn’t really help it now.

“I acknowledge you every so often already.” Niall was raising his voice. “We go on plenty of dates, do you want me to fucking hold your hand and walk you to class every day?” he said, his face starting to flush in anger.

Yes, Ashton thought. He clenched his fists tighter. “I just want-” He tried to collect himself in order to form proper sentences. “I want you to actually act like you’re my boyfriend, not someone you have to deal with a few times a day.”

Niall let out a dry and short laugh, rubbing one of his temples. “Who would’ve thought dating a boy would mean more drama than dating a girl?” He shook his head. “I don’t treat you like you’re one more of my friends, I do stuff with you I wouldn’t do with them, I don’t know what else you are asking from me.”

“You’re an asshole, you know that? You were so nice when I first met you and now the most you’ll do is kiss me quickly before running off to do who knows what again?” Ashton wasn’t used to fighting back. He didn’t want to be fighting with Niall at all.

“As I’ve told you before, if you’re so unhappy with the type of boyfriend I am, no one’s holding you back from walking out of that goddamned door,” Niall’s voice was low and menacing, like he would start shouting any moment now.

“A relationship doesn’t work like that,” Ashton said angrily. “I don’t want to walk out that goddamned door, but I don’t want to be the only one trying to work things out! We’re supposed to make compromises for each other.”

“What if I’m not ready to compromise? To be in a real relationship?” He did air quotes while saying the last two words. He sounded exasperated, but also...hurt?

“Then why the hell did you say yes?” Ashton’s expression mirrored Niall’s. “If you didn’t want a real fucking relationship you could’ve saved both of us the trouble and said no.”

These words made Niall explode. “I said yes because I liked you! I like you! I thought you were like me, that you’d understand how important friends are to me, that you weren’t such a drama queen fucking hell,” he shouted, and he looked scarier than ever before. “I thought you’d take it easy.”

“And I thought,” Ashton started, strangely calm, “That you were different. I thought you weren’t one those punk ass jocks who didn’t have time for normal people like me, but then you were nice to me. You were nice and gave me attention and I liked it a lot. I just didn’t expect to be ignored by my own boyfriend.”

“Jesus,” Niall said rubbing his hand over his whole face. “If you feel ignored, I’m sorry, but I’m not planning on changing my ways anytime soon, and I fucking assure you I didn’t want to let you down. But here we are. And you’re asking for more than I’m willing to offer.”

“You’re not willing to spend time with me? When we first started going out we went on dates yes, that was great, but now I’m lucky if I even see you at lunch.” Ashton wasn’t even trying to hide the hurt anymore.

“Fine. Fine! Alright, I’m sorry if I’ve been a terrible boyfriend, I’ve been neglecting you so bad, this all just proves how I’m not nearly mature enough to take dating seriously in your eyes, I didn’t meet your expectations. If, knowing all these things, you still want to try getting this to work, you have my number on your phone,” Niall concluded, doing a mock salute and leaving Ashton on his own.

 

Ashton’s cheeks were wet again. He didn’t know why he’d dreamt their first fight; he didn’t want more pain after he was just starting to get himself back together. He wiped his cheeks clean, sniffling into his pillow.

It had only been a week and each day it seemed to start over. He’d have to readjust to the absence of Niall next to him every morning. Ashton was so anxious. This was the longest he’d ever gone without talking to Niall. Even if one of them went on vacation, they’d talk on the phone every night for hours.

He hadn’t gotten a knock on his door yet so he was assuming his fiancé was still alive. He hoped he was. His stomach hurt just thinking about it.

Ashton hadn’t gone a day without crying yet and the chance of trying not to cry today was already ruined. Their first major fight had absolutely torn Ashton a part afterwards. They’d made up the very next day, sort of, but he had stayed awake all night thinking of arguments and ways to apologize. They’d had a few fights over their five years of dating, but most of the time they were petty little things that ended in lots of kissing.

He would give anything to have a fight with Niall again. At least it would mean he was alive and next to Ashton.

He followed his now new routine of getting up in the morning: bathroom, start the coffee maker, check his email that he was having emailed to him by a friend (school wasn’t an option yet), and a walk down to the lobby to collect the daily mail. He didn’t know why he checked the mail, it’s not like anything important was sent. It was mostly just fundraisers and bank balances. The occasional postcard from his little brother Harry who sent them to him whenever he went to the post office with their mom. He liked those most.

Ashton mumbled a good morning to the manager while he collected his mail. Everyone in the building walked around in their sweats since it was mostly university students living there. He nodded towards a girl he passed, also in her pajamas, on the way back up to their place. He quickly sorted through the mail, placing all the junk into the trash. He froze when a particular envelope came up. In the return address spot was the official US Army seal.

His heart sped up, what if they didn’t do house visits anymore? The familiar penmanship on the front also made him anxious because he knew who had that handwriting. And it wasn’t the US Army.

He carefully unfolded the white sheet of paper, and he practically started crying again because Niall had written to him. This would be their first form of contact since he’d left. Ashton let the tears in his eyes dissipate before he started reading:

 

_Ash,_

_I don’t really know how to write letters…. It’s so hard not to be able not to see you in person. I’m just lucky they’re even letting my write this, it took the loss of a breakfast to be able to. Not that it was really a problem, the breakfast here is shit, and that’s saying something because I eat everything._

_I miss you so much baby. Life here sucks. The food sucks as mentioned, it’s hot and dry, and standing guard really cramps the muscles in my ass. I made a friend, his name’s Louis. He’s pretty cool, he helps make it not as bad as it had been at first. He’s got a boyfriend he’s missing too._

_I hope you’re eating. You can’t cook for shit, I wish I could be there to help. Being at two places at once would be a lot easier._

_Please don’t cry while reading this--I did enough of that while writing it. I talked to one of the generals and he said we could video chat on my birthday. Setting up video sessions are really rare, but it helped he was kind of a softy and that it was my birthday. It’ll have to be while I’m at breakfast again so I hope you could be awake…_

_I love you, hope you’re doing okay, don’t miss me too much._

_Be Back Soon,_

_Nialler x_

 

The dried tear marks and smeared pen were evidence that Niall did in fact cry while

writing it. Ashton felt like crying but not because he was sad. He was, but the letter made him feel warm and tingly inside.

He read the letter a few times over, his eyes pausing for a few seconds over each word. Ashton imagined Niall sitting at a table, his tongue poking out of the corner of his mouth in concentration and his eyebrows creasing together.

Ashton felt a surge of affection for the boy. The dream of their first fight was completely forgotten now. He carefully folded the letter back up and tucked it into the envelope. It felt like he could finally breathe for the first time since Niall had been gone. For the moment they’d be able to keep to somewhat keep contact. Ashton carefully cradled the envelope into his chest. “You were right, Niall.” He was positive he was losing his mind, talking to nobody that was there. “I am clingy, but at least I have a reason to be now.”

 

Ashton was still on high adrenaline from receiving news about Niall’s whereabouts. A part of him still worried that maybe something happened in between writing and receiving the letter, but he tried not to dwell on that fact too much. He was going to take advantage of the little happiness he had.

His first step at trying doing so was to catch up on all the classwork he’d missed. A friend from the class was emailing him any essays they had, but he needed to know what he’d missed on his lectures and what major assignments were do and so on. It was only the third week of his last first semester, and he’d already missed over a week. That was a terrible way to start off his graduating year. He was pretty sure Niall wouldn’t want him to have to retake all his courses because of him either.

He knocked cautiously on his English Lit professor’s door. She was his favorite professor, but she was also very intimidating. “It’s open,” a voice from the other side called. Ashton had been taking her class for almost four years now, and he still wasn’t used to how high her voice was. It almost sounded like she’d spent the day sucking helium.

Ashton hesitantly entered the office. It wasn’t very big, and this was only his second time ever being there. The first had been to discuss his grades as a freshmen. All freshmen did it, but after that you were on your own. “Good morning, Ms. Humphrey,” he said in his most polite voice possible.

The older lady looked up from her current work, grading papers it looked like. Ashton only knew that she was older because it had been in her introduction. She looked like she could be 35, with few laugh lines and bright shining eyes. “Ashton! Sweetie, sit down I’ve missed you.”

Ashton was pretty sure he was the only one she called sweetie. He wasn’t sure why, but she seemed to have a soft spot for him. “Hello, hi, thank you,” he greeted again while sitting in one of the wooden chairs in front of her overly piled desk.

“I’ve missed you in class!” she gushed to him with wild hand motions. “Our discussions have been quite boring with your thoughts to join in! How are you?”

“Honestly? Not so good.” Ashton knew he was going to have to explain why he was absent, it was just going to be really really hard. “It’s been a really tough week for me. I think I’m ready to start up with class again though. I hope.”

“Oh, hon, what’s happened if you don’t mind telling me?” She leaned across her desk curiously towards him.

“Um.. well…” Ashton rubbed the back of his neck. He felt the weight of the letter in his back. He could do this. “Recently my boyfriend… No, no, my fiancé, was deployed to Iraq…” He was relieved when he was able to maintain his emotional stability. “It’s was really sudden, and I’ve just needed to adjust to his absence.”

Her face contorted into sympathy. “Sweetie, that’s awful. I’m so, so sorry. I’ll be praying for it, don’t you know.” A little bit of her Southern drawl sneaked into the last part of her sentence, making her high pitched voice sound even more bizarre.

“Thank you, it means a lot. I just thought I owed an explanation to my so very helpful professors to why I’d been missing all my lectures and seminars…” Ashton really didn’t want them to pity him and change his grade back to what it had originally been. He wanted to earn his way back up to the top. All his life he’d worked for his pristine grades, and he wasn’t going to let that change.

“You don’t owe us anything but your presence. You’ve missed a lot of work over these past three missed lectures,” she tsked him slightly, but she was still smiling warmly. “I’ll excuse you from assignments that can’t be made up, but I expect all essays in my inbox in two weeks, understand?” She looked more like a playful mother than a college professor.

Ashton smiled gratefully at her. “Thank you so much, Ms. Humphrey, I won’t disappoint I promise.”

“You never do, Ashton.” She gave him a knowing look. “Now go get your other professors, I’ve sure they’ve got a load for you too. I expect to see you in class Thursday, I presume?”

“Yes, ma’am.” Ashton stood up from the chair after she patted his shoulder lightly then insisted he leave before his professors took their lunch break.

The hall outside was a crowd of students unlike before, all leaving their 11:15 classes. He weaved his way through the mess of people, a few people recognizing his presence and informing him that they were “glad he was back.” He didn’t even know half their names.

Once back outside, the sun seemed a little bit brighter than it had before.

 

  
  
  
  


 

 

Niall sighed contently when he finally found himself safely under the crusty covers of his bunk. Well, as safe as he could be while on enemy grounds in the middle of the desert. He hadn’t gone to battle, not yet, but it was just his first week. He’d only gone on expeditions to survey the terrain, to study the nearest civilian establishment to make sure anything was too odd, and most terrible of all, keeping watch. Now, going around examining people and your surroundings was one thing. You needed to observe and pay close attention. Pour all of your concentration into noticing the tiny details. But when you were standing guard...of course you had to make sure anyone was lurking around unauthorized, but they were in the desert. Even dark pebbles stood out. Standing alone under the burning sun gave you a lot of time for your mind to wander off, think about stuff, and be scared. Every time he’d had watch he’d returned to his bunk more emotionally exhausted than physically.

He thought about dying. He wasn’t too scared of the idea of dying. He was afraid of the effect his death would have on the people that cared for him. Especially on Ashton… He thought about him too much. It pained him a lot to know that at the end of the day he’d go back to a barrack full of strangers to a hard and cold bunk and not to his welcoming and comforting arms. He missed listening to his voice, going on about uni and a life he could’ve had, but decided to give up. His laugh, his eyes full of life, his soft lips that tasted like a promise.

Niall had thought about all the people he’d have to kill, too. Many of them probably would have families, lovers, just like himself. People they cared about but had had to leave behind. Dreams they’d had to sacrifice. He’d probably cause despair to more than one individual, not to mention he’d deprive those soldiers of ever looking at the people they loved once more. To never experience their love again. He’d talked to Louis about it, but he didn’t share his queasiness. “Believe me, Niall, you shouldn’t be considerate about someone that’d kill you in a heartbeat.” he’d said. But wouldn’t they kill them without hesitation too?

He was good friends with Louis now. They could talk about a lot of things, relate to many of each other’s experiences. He was jumpy, fidgety and loud, his eyes just couldn’t stay still for a second. He got along with everyone just fine, but it seemed like he was putting up a barrier between himself and all the rest, never really trusting anyone or letting them see his true self. Niall thought he was smart. Didn’t want to get attached to anyone that could get shot in the throat at any given moment.

Louis had introduced him to Liam. He’d said he thought they could get along fine, and he’d been right. Even though his original intention had just been to laugh at their faces when they discovered they were both gay too.

Liam had been here for a long while. He’d been to an awful lot of battles, but still managed to get his smile on. He was a bit more sensible than Louis, but still, “what needs to be done needs to be done”. He’d left a boyfriend back home too, Zayn. It encouraged him to know that their relationship had survived two years of being apart, but it also gave him so many nerves. Two years. And apparently he wasn’t going home anytime soon. The idea of staying here so long made him feel like he was drowning. He didn’t think he’d be able to be like Liam. Always smiling.

The nights always went by too fast. He had breakfast silently, lost in his own thoughts as usual, only half participating in Liam and Louis’ conversation. He followed his schedule, which today included 12 consecutive hours of keeping watch. This time he wasn’t complaining though, because a team was being sent to battle today. Because of this, two people were guarding the same spot. He’d gotten paired up with Louis. Liam would be going off to fight.

“It’s different like this, you know? Other times when you stand guard you don’t expect anything to happen, but now you’re alert and anxious because you’re waiting for stuff to happen. Whether it’s good or bad, you just know the coast won’t stay clear,” Louis said after an hour of silence. Niall nodded his agreement, but of course he couldn’t just escape from a conversation with Louis.

“I wonder what it feels like, to be out there. Putting your life on the line, killing to live. I don’t know what I’d be thinking about.” Louis kicked the sand thoughtfully. Niall stared at him. This was the first time he’d heard Louis get relatively deep.

“I don’t think you can think about much. Just concentrating on finding shelter, not running out of bullets…” Niall’s gaze wandered off as far as it could reach into the horizon. “Just...staying alive.”

Louis nodded, then seemed to get lost in thought again. At least ten minutes went by before he spoke up again. “I wish I could say I’d have everything under control. When - if. If I get to go to battle I’ll be freaking the fuck out. There’s no way I could possibly keep calm at all. I’d forget all the fucking breathing exercises,” Louis said in a way that made Niall believe he’d been dying to talk to someone about this for ages but had held back.

“Don’t think like that,” Niall replied, thinking the words over carefully before saying them. “We’ve been training a lot for this. You’ll do everything out of reflex. There’ll be no time to freak out, just act quick, no thinking twice.” He sighed. “It’s our second nature now.” There was a bitter undertone to his voice, because he knew he was right. And he didn’t like it.

 Louis must’ve noticed, because he tilted his head curiously and narrowed his eyes slightly. “Why did you enlist? You honestly don’t sound like you want to be here.”

Niall shrugged. “Do you wanna be here?” He didn’t pause long enough to let Louis reply. “I enlisted because I was a young boy that was promised glory, and seeking to hear his dad say that he was proud,” he said, then chuckled humorlessly. “I was a dumb young boy.”

Louis started rubbing the palm of his left hand with his right hand’s thumb, a nervous gesture. He took his time before answering. “I did join the army entirely because I wanted to. I wanted to be useful for my country, I wanted to make myself proud. But now that I’m here…” his voice faltered, and he rubbed a hand on his chest pocket. “Maybe I just wasn’t cut out for this.”

Niall patted his shoulder comfortingly. “It’s just natural to be afraid.”

Louis nodded, but he didn’t look convinced.

They kept quiet after that. At least, the didn’t say anything worth telling. The hours dragged on. The Sergeant did rounds once in a while to check up on them. With every passing moment his anxiety and anticipation swelled. He desperately wanted to know what was going on, but at the same time he didn’t. He figured there’d be blood and dead bodies mainly. Nothing good ever happened in battles. But he needed to know which and how many people he’d stop seeing. Either way, the only real option he had right now was to wait.

It was nearing 1800 hours when the camo print trucks finally returned. It was absolute chaos. The commanders kept shouting orders, sending soldiers to the medical tent, sending some others to help unload the gear from the truck. It all had to be done quick. People were running around everywhere with hard eyes and clenched jaws. He was able to catch a glimpse of Liam, who was helping carry a lifeless body. He was covered in blood, probably someone else’s as he wasn’t visibly hurt, and sweat. He looked like he would collapse from exhaustion at any given moment. He was about to go help him when he got instructions to go aid the doctors in the medical tent.

Apparently the amount of hurt men was too overwhelming for the few qualified personnel.

The situation in the tent was downright horrifying. There was loud crying and yelling. The sound he’d assign to the word agony if he was ever asked to do so. It smelled like blood and sweat, and he had a bad feeling he’d have to get used to the scent.

“Stop standing there looking like a scared cat! Go help Mina with whoever’s dying in her arms,” a doctor shouted at him fiercely, making Niall jump. The doctor was pointing at a nurse that was obviously having a hard time trying to stop the bleeding of some soldier on her own. Niall rushed over, and winced when he saw the guy up close.

He recognized him. James? Jensen? That didn't really matter right now. He was dying. Bleeding out of his chest, arms, lower abdomen and a huge gash on his forehead. Mina the nurse was frantically trying to apply some medicine to the many wounds and then wrapping them in bandages. She shoved a bottle of said medicine to Niall without a word.

"S-shouldn't we take out the bullets?"

Mina looked at him as if she couldn't decide if he was incredibly dumb or just crazy. "Well of course, but neither of us is qualified enough to perform surgery and all doctors are busy. All we can do now is to prevent wound infection to stop the blood loss," she said, getting back to her work. Niall joined in, smearing the slippery medicine wherever there was open skin with shaky hands. He couldn't do the bandages though, the nurse did all them all. The man was making low keening noises, as if he was in pain but so weak he couldn't even scream or squirm.

He didn't realize right away. He was too concentrated on getting the medicine everywhere it was needed to notice the guy had stopped making any noise. It wasn't until the nurse pushed Niall away to check his vital signs again, and did pumping motions on his chest did he realize the man was dead.

Niall was in shock. Long after the nurse was gone he was still kneeling next to him, breathing hard. He got a hand to the dog tags around his neck to check his name. Kyle. Far from James or Jensen. He was seconds away from crying over this guy Kyle he hadn't ever talked to because he was sure he'd been in a lot of pain, a pain he could only be able to compare to the one his loved ones would feel when they found out.

"You! Come over here! You can't do anything for that guy now, there are people who still need saving!" Mina shouted, eyes hard but sorry. Everything seemed to be moving in slow motion. He felt like his head was full of cotton, it took him a while to actually process the nurse’s words. But of course she was right. Sitting dumbstruck next to Kyle wouldn’t bring him back to life. People all around were still crying, bleeding, and he could help them. He slowly stood up. It was all so surreal, and it suddenly was like his body had a mind of its own, giving his troubled brain a break.

He doesn’t remember much of what happened next. There were faint flashes of screaming, sobbing and desperate faces. He just knew he’d ended up covered in blood that wasn’t his.

 


	4. Day 29

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Video chats ~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> awwwwww <3

Ashton was excited. He’d been excited for the past week but now his nerves were going to explode. It was Niall’s birthday, the day he’d be able to talk to Niall for the first time in almost a month; the first time he’d be hearing his voice again.

The video chatting wouldn’t be happening until later that night so Ashton had a full other 13 hours to get through. His mom had also announced the previous day that she’d be making a surprise visit. She was taking a train from Connecticut, where’d she’d moved with Ashton’s younger siblings after Ashton had graduated.

He really had missed her. A few weeks ago he’d cried on the phone to her about Niall’s absence, and she hadn’t been able to get a sitter for his siblings until now. Ashton just wished she would’ve come another day when he wasn’t so antsy. He didn’t want to disappoint his mom by his lack of attention.

His mom called him in the morning, saying she’d meet him for lunch at Johnny Rockets after he got out of Creative Writing. It was the only for-fun class he was taking. The idea of it benefiting his eventual career at all was very unlikely.

Ashton had been trying his best to keep his grades up; he really had. It was just hard when he was worrying about whether or not Niall was still alive. He hadn’t gotten the knock yet so he was hoping for the best.

After he got out of class, Ashton was even more anxious than before because it was only 11. When he saw his mom, he momentarily forgot that he still had hours to go and smiled brightly at her. He even let a “Mommy!” slip out.

She laughed and hugged Ashton tightly. Ashton was a lot taller than his mom, and he was perfect height to rest his chin on her head. “I’ve missed you.”

“I’ve missed you too, sweetie.” She pulled back to look at him and brushed his fringe off his forehead. “I should come around more often to remind you to get a haircut!” She clicked her tongue disapprovingly, but she was still smiling at him.

“My hair is just fine,” he argued, lightly batting her hands away. “C’mon, people will start yelling at us if we don’t get inside.”

They were seated right away, it being early for lunch still. “How’ve you been, Mom?” The last time Ashton had seen her was in June after University had gotten out for the year. Niall had gone with him to visit his family and now… He shook his head. This would be a happy lunch.

“Oh, you know, work’s been tough. They’ve really been adding the time to our shifts in order to get rid of some people. It’s really a shame. I’m just lucky I haven’t been let off yet.” She was staring at the menu in front of her while she talked.

Everyone had always said he’d looked like his mom, but he hadn’t really seen it until now. She was blond and blue eyed, but they had the same face shape. And the same little weird habits like scrunching up their nose when they read.

“How’re Harry and Lauren doing?”

“Harry misses you. He’s always banging on your old drum kit that you gave him. You really shouldn’t have done that. Lauren’s gotten her first boyfriend…” Her face changed like she was ready for Ashton to react to that.

Ashton narrowed his eyes. He’d always been protective of his family. “Has she now?”

“Don’t go thinking anything of it. All they do is hug, nothing more. He’s really a sweet boy.”

“No boys are sweet. Trust me I know, we’re all terrible, all of us.”

She set down her menu and looked up at her son, her face softening. She took one of his hands. “How’re you, baby? Are you holding up alright?”

Ashton’s throat tightened. He’d been hoping to not have to talk about it. Who was he kidding though, it was a mom’s job to pry. “I’m okay.” Even to him it sounded fake.

“Ash, you don’t have to do that with me. It’s okay if you’re not.”

“But I am okay. I’m alive, I’m in New York, I’m not off fighting for my country and risking my life,” Ashton said bitterly. He didn’t care how selfish he sounded. He’d rather Niall be with him than off doing something heroic.

His mom gave him a sad smile. “He’ll be back.” She ran a finger over his knuckles. “I remember the first time you brought him over. You were so nervous, you almost wet your pants.”

Ashton groaned while his mom laughed at him. “I did not. I was just… Nervous. But I did not almost wet my pants.”

“Oh yes you did. You were practically shaking the whole time and every time I tried to talk to the poor boy you’d freeze like the world was about to end.” Based on his mom’s expression it was a fond memory. “I almost thought he wasn’t real, he was so polite.”

“You didn’t think we would last.”

“No,” she agreed, her eyes glancing at the ring on his finger, “I was wrong obviously. No one thought you would last, Ash. Hardly any high school relationships do. We really did like him though, no one minded that you did last. Harry thinks he’s the funniest person in the world.”

“And Lauren’s got a crush on him.” Ashton grinned. His sister had been so obviously flirting with him the first he’d brought Niall over it was funny. “When he spent Christmas with us she made a big deal of sitting next to him before me.”

His mom nodded enthusiastically, remembering the memory. “You were very ticked off, you almost had a fight across the room.”

“I was not,” he said defensively. “I was no way jealous of my little sister.”

“Whatever you say,” his mom hummed.

Their waitress came up to them, asking if they’d like drinks and if they were ready to order. They did, Ashton ordering a grilled cheese.  

“Do you miss him?”

Ashton’s heart sank a little bit. “So so much.” Suddenly he was anxious again for tonight.  “We’ve sent a few letters, but I haven’t talked to him. He’s gotten special permission to video chat tonight since it’s his birthday…” His eyes widened. “Fu- I mean crap. It’s his birthday… I didn’t get him a present.”

“I don’t think you’re allowed to send presents, baby.” She looked at him sadly, squeezing his hand.

“I know, I know… I still wanted to get him something.” Ashton knew he was being silly for wanting to get Niall a present that he couldn’t actually give him, but it would make it seem more personal and more normal. He’d give it to him when he got back.

“We don’t have to talk about him if you don’t want.”

“I like talking about him,” Ashton surprisingly found himself saying. “I like talking about the good things at least.”

“Tell me about how he proposed.”

Ashton smiled. “Well he…”

 

Ashton’s mom insisted on setting the table. He had no idea why, it was just Calum and Luke coming over not the queen. (Michael was going to a Pink Floyd concert and ditching them.)

“They’re not going to care if we don’t have napkins, Mom,” Ashton pointed out. He kept glancing at the clock on the stove, counting down the hours until he got to talk to Niall again. He still had five hours to go.

“It doesn’t hurt to make things look nice, Ashton.” She folded the last paper towel into a triangle and set it onto the table.

Ashton chuckled softly and went to answer the door when someone knocked. His heart still pounded a little harder every time someone knocked on his door, preparing himself to see a green uniform and some terrible news. It wasn’t bad news on the other side, not that he expected it to be, just his friends.

“Our little Ashton is smiling!” Calum teased, pinching his cheek and then hugging him quickly.

“I smile.” Ashton smiled a little wider as he said it and then hugged Luke next as he walked in.

“How’re you?” Luke was always so polite. Ashton felt a bit protective of his youngest friend.

“I’m holding up.” He could tell that Luke and Calum were trying their hardest not to hold hands in front of him. They’d been doing that a lot whenever they hung out and Ashton could tell it was almost physically impossible for them.

“Boys!” Ashton’s mom came up behind them, smiling widely. “It’s been so long. Luke, you’ve gotten even taller than since last time I’ve saw you!” She hugged him tightly and then moved on to squeal over Calum.

They both greeted her with the same amount of enthusiasm. “I wanted to make a salad, but Ashton insisted on just putting a frozen pizza.” She rolled her eyes. “I apologize for my son’s rudeness.”

“Ah, it’s alright we’re used to it by now.” Calum got Ashton in a headlock and rubbed his fist against the top of his head.

“Aye, cut it out,” Ashton laughed, shoving Calum off him. “If you don’t sit you won’t get pizza.”

“Whoa that’s serious.” Calum laughed, dragging Luke to the table by his hand, and Ashton had to turn away. So often it had been them with Niall and Ashton, and they had been able to do all of that stuff with each other.

His mom followed him into the small kitchen to take the pizza. “You alright?”

“I’m fine.” Ashton meant it. Kind of. He wished he had Niall with him, but he didn’t want to stop his friends from being a couple in front of him.

The night was filled with his mom’s constant questions about their family, Ashton avoiding watching them holding hands under the table, and checking the clock to see how much longer he had.

He knew his mom knew he was distracted, he could tell by the way she would occasionally stare at him worriedly. It was a nice feeling knowing his mom cared enough to worry. He hoped Niall knew he cared enough to worry. He’d tell him tonight.

“Ashton?”

He glanced over at his mom who had said his name. Luke and Calum were looking at him with the same concerned expressions.

“Yes?” He’d just zoned out, he didn’t understand why they were looking at him.

“You look like you’re going to cry,” Calum said.

Ashton put his fingers to his eyes and realized that yes, there were tears in his eyes, and he hadn’t even felt them. He learned that even just thinking about Niall was a bad idea while he was around people. “I’m alright.”

“Are you sure?” Luke spoke, which was rare unless they were just around each other (not with Ashton’s mom).

“Yeah, I didn’t even realize I was… I’m just distracted. I promise I’m alright.” Ashton glanced at the clock again. 7:56. About three more hours.

 

 

To say Niall was excited was an understatement. Today was the first time he’d woken up with a smile in a month. It was his birthday, but that wasn’t important. What mattered was that he was speaking to Ashton for the first time since he’d left. Exchanging letters was never enough. He couldn’t see his face or listen to his voice through them, though they were of course better than nothing. He’d been so happy to get some video chat time, he didn’t even care he’d have to miss breakfast. After putting on his uniform, he rushed to the dispatch room, where they kept the computer he’d be using. There was an official in there already, and Niall guessed he would be staying. He only confirmed Niall’s name, turned on the computer going immediately on Skype, and stepped back. Niall logged in with shaky fingers. His stomach did a flip when he saw Ashton was online, even though he already knew he would be. He pressed Call, grinning harder than ever before. He waited…

It only took a few seconds for Ashton’s face to appear on the screen. His expression looked almost confused at first but it quickly changed into a wide smile, and he was hiding his face in his hands while giggling like a little school girl. “Niall…”

Niall let out a breath he hadn’t noticed he was holding. He genuinely felt the muscles of his face hurting from smiling so big. “Oh god Ash I’m so happy to see you,” he said shaking with an incredulous little laugh. He wanted to touch him, hug him, but at least seeing him was alright for now.

Ashton’s eyes seemed to take up every inch of Niall’s face. “Niall,” he said again, still smiling, dimples and all. “Oh my gosh, you… you’re alive. Fuck, I miss you so much.” He pulled his legs up to his chest and rested his chin on his knees. He was staring at Niall with so much adoration and fondness.

Niall laughed a little more, looking down at the keyboards before fixing his attention on the screen again, as if he just couldn’t believe Ashton was there. “I miss you more. I’m so lonely over here without you. My bed is so cold without you holding me,” Niall said and hell, this was the cheesiest thing he’d ever said. But he meant it.

“Happy birthday, boo.” Ashton didn’t usually call Niall pet names, boo was the only one, and he only used it occasionally. Now seemed to be one of the special cases. “I’ll blow a candle out for you tomorrow.”

“Thank you. Please throw a big party in my place, I’ll feel the good vibe all the way to here,” Niall said, obviously joking, though he was actually feeling a bit melancholy.

“Of course, with balloons and a clown.” Ashton smiled for a second then it seemed to fade in a kind of frown. “I’ve taken your presence for granted.” He took a tentative hand and reached out towards the screen. “I’m so used to talking to you everyday and being able to come home from class and see you and just…” His eyes glistened slightly.

“I know,” Niall whispered. “I know, it’s just so hard to be apart. It’s been a month and I miss you more every day.” He wanted to tell him about everything. How insecure he felt about going to fight. The guilty thoughts he had about killing people when he hadn’t even killed anyone yet. The soldier that’d died right in front of him, and how the feeling of helplessness that came with his death. But he wouldn’t, because this was supposed to be happy, an escape of exactly those thoughts, and he didn’t want his fiancé to get even more worried. He hid them all behind a smile.

Ashton stared at him like it was the last time he’d ever get it. There was a high possibility that it was. “Tell me about Louis, you seem to like him.” His voice sounded a bit drowsy, but his eyes were wide and focused solely on Niall and only him.

“Louis…” Niall replied doing a thoughtful face. “There isn’t much to him. Well, I’m sure there is, but he won’t share it with me. He guards himself heavily. I do know though, that he left a cute boyfriend back home. Just like me,” he said with a flirty smile. His shoulders relaxed the more he talked to Ashton.

Ashton buried his face into his knees and giggled some more like he couldn’t believe Niall was real. “I miss you,” he said again.

“I think I can relate babe,” Niall said, still smiling at how adorable Ashton looked. “How is everyone doing back there? How’s school?” He genuinely wanted to know, to get a taste of what his life would be right now if he hadn’t been deployed.

“Hmm…” Ashton glanced at something off screen for a second and then looked back. “Well, I have an essay to write um… The boys are getting tired of my moping ah… It’s pretty much the same. I saw my mom today.”

Niall’s eyebrows formed the smallest of frowns. “Ash...don’t tell me you’ve been moping over me,” he said in a sad tone. He didn’t want to hear about Ashton being miserable. Not because of him or because of anyone.

“I’m allowed to mope, Ni. I miss my boyfriend and I want you home tucked under blankets forever, so the moping won’t be done till you’re back.” Ashton’s tone was light, but he seemed serious.

“That’s not gonna help me stop worrying about you,” Niall replied softly, tentatively reaching for the screen wishing he’d find soft flesh. “I don’t want you to be sad anymore. Just know I will be back and forget about the fact that I’m gone.” Niall knew he was asking for too much, but he meant it.

“Kind of hard to forget when we’ve been talking everyday for over five years now,” Ashton said, sounding a bit bitter. “Well we had been talking everyday for over five years.”

“I know. I know, it’s been hard for me too, but you gotta try and be strong okay? For me.” He sounded comprehensive and maybe even hopeful. “That way we’re gonna be alright.”

Ashton was silent for a few moments. “Yeah…” He sounded unconvinced, not making any promises.

Niall bit his lip for a moment. “I love you, you know that? Never forget it.”

“Don’t say it like there’s a chance I will. Or that there’s a reason you can’t remind me,” Ashton said desperately, looking like he was going to start crying. “I won’t have to remember because you’ll always be able to tell me.”

Niall sighed deeply before nodding slowly. He didn’t have the heart to break real life into Ashton right now. But after his experience in the medical tent... He was sure he was aware of it anyway, even if he said the opposite. “You’re right. I’m not planning on leaving this messed up world just yet.” Niall smiled, but it looked a little tense now.

“Stop. No, the idea of that happening is far out of my mind right now, no I don’t want to…” Ashton took a shaky breath, trying to calm down. “No.” 

“I didn’t mean to…” Niall said, his expression growing in concern at Ashton’s reaction. “Don’t think about it. I just...It was dumb for me to say it. I’m sorry.” Niall desperately wanted to hold Ashton and tell him everything was alright. He felt so much frustration at not being able to. Maybe this was why they allowed so little video calls.

“Don’t feel bad, please, shit no that wasn’t…” Ashton groaned, seeming as frustrated as Niall. “I’m over sensitive and extreamly co-dependant, and please just, don’t feel bad. Please.”

Niall closed his eyes for a second, looking down, then fixed his gaze to the screen again, looking like he’d just recharged his energy reserves. “Tell me about that essay you should be writing.” He didn’t have time for more depressing talk.

“It’s for Liberal Studies and I had to watch a debate and write a mock article about it.” Ashton rolled his eyes. “It was extremely boring, I don’t know why I want to be a journalist.”

“You’ll probably get to write about more interesting stuff once you’re out and moving around in the real world. Who knows, maybe you’ll write about the juicy stories of some celebrity,” Niall said, finding genuine lightness again.

“I could write a longer paper,” Ashton started, leaning forward, “about your eyes and how they are the nicest things in the world to look at than I could about any Hollywood scandal.”

“Come on.” Niall smiled wider. “They aren’t half as flattering as yours. Nothing about me can compare to you, and I still can’t believe I have you.” He could imagine the soldier that was standing guard in the corner rolling his eyes, but he didn’t care.

Ashton blushed, shaking his head. “Nope. I appreciate it though.” His dimples were noticeable again, and he resembled someone trying to talk to their crush. “I will write that article about your eyes to prove it.”

Niall was opening his mouth to reply when someone else walked in the dispatch room. He teared his eyes away from the computer to look at the intruder. It was Louis, and he looked sorry to be interrupting.

“Niall? I’m sorry, but your time’s up,” he said lowly. Niall just nodded his head in understanding and turned back to the screen to say his goodbye.

“I have to leave now. I’ll keep writing as much as I can. I expect answers, alright? I love you Ashton. Don’t be too sad, you’ll be hearing from me soon. Bye…”

There was a choked sob and an “I love you too” before the line went dead.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comments would be greatly appreciated ^_^


	5. Day 94

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thanksgiving and breakdowns

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments are really wonderful thank you so much :) enjoy xx

The perks of living in New York on Thanksgiving was that practically everything was still open. Stores were bustling with people getting last minute items for Thanksgiving dinner.

Ashton was walking around the aisles of Vons looking for the cranberries. His mom had forgotten to get them the previous day so he was now the designated last-minute-items buyer. It wasn’t going to be a big Thanksgiving, just his mom, his siblings, and Michael. Calum and Luke were going out of state to visit their families.

“Cranberries… Cranberries…” He was humming to himself and trying to keep warm, having no idea how grocery stores worked and where he was supposed to find the goddamn cranberries. “Excuse me?” Ashton spoke to one of the men in uniform, going through the aisles. “Where’re the cranberries?”

The man he asked looked to be in his late teens, early twenties. Ashton felt bad that he was forced to work. “You’re in the entirely wrong section,” he laughed. “Come on.” He started to lead Ashton through the store to a different end. “You’ll find them in here.”

“Thank you so much.” Ashton smiled brightly at him, getting him a smile in return. Before Niall had left people had told him he smiled too much… Now it was usually strangers who got his affection. He went back on his search for the cranberries, furrowing his eyebrows together in concentration.

“...really awful,” someone next to him was saying. “I would hate if anyone I cared about had to join the army.”

Ashton froze. There was no way people were talking about this exact subject on this day… Why…

“Did you hear about what happened on the News the other day?” the other person replied. “They were talking about the suicide rate of the people. Especially in Iraq. I can’t believe how bad it’s getting.”

Ashton couldn’t take it anymore. He dropped the can of Cranberries he was holding and there was a large bang probably heard throughout the whole store. He hurriedly shoved the can back onto the shelf, trying to avoid the odd stares he was receiving. It was hard not to have a breakdown in the middle of the store. He made it to his car before he let himself cry.

The last letter he’d gotten from Niall had been about four weeks ago, not that that was strange. A lot could happen in four weeks, Ashton desperately hoped for his fiancé’s life. He didn’t attempt to drive like that so he waited until he felt like he could control his sobs enough to pull out of the parking lot. His mom was probably wondering what was taking him so long.

On the way back to his apartment Ashton saw three Jeeps, two of which were green like Niall’s car, and it made him want to start crying again. Thanksgiving was one of the most important holidays of the year and all Ashton wanted was for it to be over. He didn’t know what he would say he was thankful for at the dinner table.

“Honey, are you alright?” Was the first thing his mom said to him when he walked inside. He could only imagine what his face looked like, probably puffy and wet.

“I guess,” he croaked, hastily wiping at his eyes.

“What happened?” She gently touched her hand to his cheek.

In the other room he could hear Michael and Harry playing FIFA and his sister telling them that they were being such boys. “I was getting the cranberries and this couple next to me…” He took a shaky breath. “They were talking about Iraq…”

“Shh, it’s okay, baby, we can live without the cranberries.” His mom rubbed his back soothingly and ran her fingers through his hair. She’d always had the same comforting method for him. “Why don’t you go clean up and you can help me make mashed potatoes?”

“Yeah, okay.” Ashton tried to smile weakly for her before going to the bathroom to wash his face off. He walked back through to living room to find Harry sitting on Michael’s chest. “Harry, leave the poor guy alone.”

“He cheated at FIFA!” Harry protested.

“Did not!” Michael argued, his voice sounding strained with Harry’s weight on him. He tickled Harry’s sides until he rolled off giggling.

Ashton rolled his eyes, feeling a bit better. The first Thanksgiving he’d spent with Niall had also been the first time he’d met Niall’s parents. All day Ashton had been stressing that they wouldn’t like him while Niall just laughed at his ridiculousness, insisting that they would love him. At the dinner Niall had kept most of the conversation moving while keeping his hand intertwined with Ashton’s the whole time. Maura had fawned over Ashton and bombarded him with questions until Niall directed the attention back to him. His dad had been nice to him as well, being extra polite and Greg had been nothing but kind. It had been a successful night by Ashton’s standards, especially when they went up to Niall’s bedroom to kiss for a while until he’d been forced to go home.

Ashton’s mom was just starting to peel the potatoes when he came in. “Oh good you can help me with this. Finish peeling these and I’ll start with the string beans.” She passed the peeler off to Ashton then hurried to the other side of their very small kitchen.

He did his best to not let his mind wander too much while trying to complete the simple task of peeling potatoes. It had always been his favorite thing to help out with on Thanksgiving ever since he was a little kid. He didn’t wait for further instruction once he was done, just carried on by cubing the now peeled potatoes and then putting water on to boil on the stove.

“I wanna help!” A blond head appeared next to him looking bright and happy. “Ashton.” Harry tugged on his sleeve.

“Hmm… When the potatoes are done boiling we can mash them okay?”

Harry nodded eagerly and went over to the stove to stare at the pot. Ashton smiled at his little brother for a few seconds before going over to grab some carrots to start peeling. From the TV he could hear “A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving” playing. It sounded like they were just making a makeshift table for all the extra guests that they were having. For all their friends and family… Everyone would be there.

Charlie Brown was the last thing Ashton expected to set him off but just the thought of someone having their family with them, being able to actually have a real Thanksgiving. He stabbed the peeler down at the carrot, now taking very angry strokes at it while his eyes welled with tears for the second time that day. He wasn’t paying much attention to what he was doing, but then his finger was stinging painfully and red oozed from the skin.

“Fuck!” Ashton didn’t bother watching his language, even around his brother. He dropped both the carrot and the peeler and went to run cold water over his hand. Larger tears fell from his eyes not just because the sudden realization that Niall wouldn’t be there for Thanksgiving but also from the pain.

“Ashton, what happened?” His mom came up beside him, watching him worriedly.

“Cut my finger…” He squeezed his eyes shut, trying to ignore the pain. His mom shut the water off and gently applied pressure to his cut, while mumbling soothing words. Ashton was hardly listening to her, all he could think about how the only person he would’ve been thankful for that year wouldn’t be there. He’d be off in another country thousands of miles away, hopefully not dying.

It wasn’t fair. Niall was only 23, he should just start living not have to risk his life for everyone else. For everyone like Ashton sitting back in their homes feeling safe and protected.

“HE SHOULD FUCKING BE HERE!” Three months of not being able to see Niall and talk to him everyday was finally coming back to bite him in the ass. And it probably wouldn’t be soon that he would return. Those months would double, then triple, until Ashton was sure he’d lose his mind. “HE SHOULD BE HELPING WITH DINNER AND--”

“Ashton,” his mom said to him, not unkindly. “Baby, calm down I know. I know you miss him but you need to calm down, he wouldn’t want to see you like this. He wouldn’t want you to be this upset over him.”

“Does it matter?!” Ashton wanted to just scream but seeing his little brother huddled into a corner while looking at him like he’d turned into a madman made him not. “It doesn’t matter,” he mumbled quieter now.

“It does matter. I’m sure if you asked him what he’d rather you be doing, he’d say just the opposite of this. Please, baby, let’s just finish making dinner and have a nice meal, okay? This is supposed to be a happy time.”

“I’m sorry, but I won’t be the ray of sunshine everyone seems to say I am tonight.” Ashton’s finger still felt like someone had lit it on fire, but the pain was dulled now so he removed the paper towel. It hadn’t stopped bleeding, but he wasted no time putting a bandaid on it.

The TV in the room was now silent, and he was pretty sure that they were sitting still enough to not make a sound like Ashton was a disturbed animal.

He really did try to calm down after that. He calmly finished peeling the carrots, he took the chopped potatoes out of the boiling water, he taught a slightly frightened Harry how to mash them, and then he pasteurized the turkey with his mom. He could tell that they were looking at him like a time bomb waiting to go off, and he knew that he was doing everything with very stiff motions but at least he wasn’t having a fit.

At dinner everyone was a little more relaxed. Harry was the first one to sit down next to Ash, practically cutting Michael off to get to the chair. It made him feel a little better to know his brother wasn’t turned off by his episode earlier.

His mom sat at the head with Laura and Harry on either side of her and Michael next to Ashton. “Shall we say Grace?” She always said that like a question, but it meant we’re saying Grace and there’s nothing you can do about it.

All of them took hands and closed their eyes before his mom started, “For this and all we are about to receive, make us truly grateful, Lord. Through Christ we pray. Amen.” None of them looked up or opened their eyes for several seconds until his mom spoke normally again. “I know you’re hungry, but we really should say what we’re thankful for, that’s what this holiday is all about.”

“I’ll start,” Michael said. “I’m thankful that I get spend Thanksgiving with you guys. Thank you so much for making me feel like part of the family.

“You are part of the family, sweetie,” Ashton’s mom said sweetly, patting his hand. “Lauren?”

“My boyfriend.” Lauren cocked her head to the side and looked at Ashton.

Ashton wasn’t sure if that was supposed to make him defensive or upset, but it worked for both. He pursed his lips and looked down at his empty plate.

“Lauren,” his mom hissed, glaring at her daughter. “I’m thankful for my wonderful family and that they’re all healthy.” She made it about all her kids, but she was looking at Ashton as she said it. “Harry, it’s your turn.”

“Um…” Harry looked at Ashton. “My brother.”

Ashton ruffled his hair, smiling genuinely. “Love you, Harry.”

“It’s your turn, Ashton,” his mother said softly.

Ashton honestly had know idea what he was thankful for. Yes, some of the people he cared about most were happy and healthy and alive but it didn’t seem to matter when it wasn’t complete. “I’m thankful for…” He took a deep breath. “My fiancé.”

 

  
  


When Niall had woken up this morning, he hadn’t expected for any of this to happen. It’d been just a regular morning...waking up tired to have shitty breakfast and start doing whatever chore he was asked to. He had gotten bedsheet changing duty today, and he was just so grateful for that. He got to stay inside, away from the burning sun and responsibility of watching anyone broke into the base. It maybe wasn’t the most exciting but he could cope with that no problem.

It’d all been okay. He was silently humming to himself a song that had been popular before he left when it stopped being okay. Some desperate screaming of words he couldn’t quite catch came from outside, making everyone inside the barracks stop their movements and listen, tense atmosphere suddenly forming. Then Niall heard the first gunshot.

It was a complete disaster. It took him less than one second to snatch a rifle and leave the minimal safety of the barracks. His commander was shouting a million orders, but none of them made it to Niall's brain. It was too preoccupied processing a simple statement: "we're under attack".

Many soldiers looked like they were panicking, like Louis. Niall had never seen him so lost, hand over his chest pocket. Others, like Liam, had hard stares and determined, even angry expressions. He looked almost scary. The look of someone who was ready to kill in order to defend. Niall only felt numb. His body was rushing with adrenaline, but other than that he didn’t feel anything. Absolutely numb. Later he’d think it was because he was too scared for his body to process it, so it just didn’t.

The battle was already in full force when he made it out. Iraq’s men were opening fire, the US were fighting back. There were people wounded on the floor already, and Niall was finding it very hard to swallow. He wasn’t sure what he was supposed to do, even though he’d been trained for this moment for years. He was just blocked, frozen. All he could really think about was that one chat he had with Louis about how fighting was probably a second nature, and how he was proving himself wrong right now. He tried to breathe, concentrate. Standing there out in the open just staring definitely couldn’t be helpful, so he tried to locate somewhere he could shelter himself, but this was the fucking desert. He was scanning the area desperately when he noticed movement from the corner of his eye. He turned his head so fast his neck cracked, just to find a young Iraqi soldier aiming his gun right to Niall. He felt a twinge of panic in the pit of his stomach, and he didn’t think twice before shooting the guy first.

He didn’t aim for any deadly spots. The bullet hit the boy’s right shoulder, and he yelled out in pain before collapsing to the ground. Niall didn’t have time to feel guilty, he ran off like the devil was behind him. His heart was beating so fast he worried it might jump out of his chest. He was biting down on his lip so hard he could taste blood. When he sighted a group of US soldiers hiding behind a rock he could almost physically feel some of the tension dispelling. He crammed himself behind the rock next to them. The salty taste of sweat invaded his taste buds and it stung his eyes. It was so hot he thought he might pass out.

He used the rock’s safety to calm down. It all had been so sudden. Of course he’d been aware of the fact that he’d have to go to battle at some point but he was counting on getting a warning. Niall knew he couldn't hide behind the rock forever. There was only one reason he was here, one reason he'd left home, and that was to defend his country. He should at least do it. Be useful.

He fought. He trusted his life to a gun and men he barely knew. He tried not to think about his actions, just do them, or he probably wouldn't be able to pull the trigger or throw the grenade. The sounds of the weapons and explosions drilled his ears, and for a moment he feared he’d go deaf. His fear became a heart beating fast and heavy breaths. Whenever he noticed a gun aiming in his direction his blood rushed so fast he thought he could faint. He lost track of the people he'd shot, never stopping to check if they were really dead. Either way, he felt a little heavier whenever one of his bullets knocked someone down.

Eventually it stopped. It went on for hours that felt like a decade, but finally the Iraqi forces retired, taking their injured with them. After so many time of gunshots and yelling there was mild peace. Everything was still in motion, getting the wounded to the medical tent and surveying the damage. But Niall just couldn't take anymore. Energy had drained completely out of his system, and even though he knew he should go help the ones that had been less lucky than him he couldn't bring himself to it. He just badly, badly wanted to go home.

Niall found a spot next to the barracks that was clear of people and let himself collapse to the floor. Leaning against the wall, knees held close to his chest. He didn't cry. Maybe he just was too shocked and horrified to do so. Hiding his face with his hands he finally thought about today's events. Images of the first man he'd shot flashed behind his closed eyelids. He looked so young...way too young. If he was to estimate his age he'd think he was no older than 18. And he had his blood on his hands. Even if he hadn't died.

That'd only been one of the many he'd shot. He knew he'd failed some, but at least 12 of his bullets had hit someone. Meanwhile, he'd only gotten a gash on his arm from slipping and falling. Who the hell did he think he was, endangering human lives? Now, it wasn't like he'd wanted to do it, but that didn't matter in the end. He had. He exhaled a frustrated groan as a wave of nostalgia washed over him. Being home without having to worry about this stuff sounded so appealing. Today was Thanksgiving...he would give so much for his biggest worry to be the turkey right now. He felt unhealthily jealous of his family and Ashton. He had never appreciated them or his ordinary life enough. The memory of Ashton was painful. The thing he needed most right now was to be in his arms, smelling his scent, feeling his comforting warmth. He rubbed his eyes furiously, looking up to find Liam staring at him in compassion.

"May I join you?" he asked in a very soft tone. Niall was slightly weary of him after seeing his expression in the battlefield, but nodded nonetheless.

"I still remember my first battle," he started off, playing with some sand, gaze getting lost in the movement of it slipping in between his fingers. "I think I was even more lost than you. The amount of times I almost got shot is ridiculous. In the end I was in tears, and I was forced to help out with the wounded. It was just...traumatizing." Liam was wincing, but he didn't seem to notice he was. "You get used to it, I guess. You gain confidence in a way. Next time you won't be as scared. Sometimes you even..." Liam's face contorted to something similar to the expression he'd worn in battle. He really could be menacing, and it honestly creeped Niall out. "Feel angry. You start blaming these people for your misery. Thinking it's their fault you aren't home, even though it isn't really." Niall expected Liam to keep talking, but he kept quiet after that, seemingly lost in thought.

"The guilt?" he dared to ask after a while, receiving a puzzled glance. "Does the guilt ever go away?"

Liam looked at him in what could be either pity or sympathy or a mixture both. "Not really. You have to stop thinking about it or it will drive you insane. It's not like we get much of a choice, anyway. You kill them or they kill you." Niall shuddered. It was the truth, and it was depressing.

They sat in silence for some time more, each lost in their own thoughts. Niall averted thinking about his guilt and homesickness by wondering about Liam. He knew little about the guy's life, and he was suddenly curious. He was quite an item, all nice and sensitive but still menacing and aggressive. But he wasn't sure that he should ask him anything and invade his privacy. He didn't need to though.

"Missing home doesn't go away either," he said quietly. "It gets worse actually. I can't wait to go back. I haven't seen my family in around two years. I haven't seen my boyfriend either...it's terrible, you know? I probably would've proposed by now. Zayn's an artist," Liam chuckled with a sad smile. "People were really shocked we lasted more than a month. We're so different but he's...he's something." Liam shook his head. "I enlisted because I wanted to be someone for my country. But Zayn made me question if it was really worth it." His tone was now unreadable, blank. But Niall knew he was probably just trying to hide his pain. "What about you?" he asked with what felt like genuine curiosity.

"I never really wanted to enlist, honestly. My dad...he didn't make me, but he made it quite clear that's what he wanted me to do. Deep down I knew that wouldn't make me happy but I really wanted to make him happy." Niall sighed in regret. He'd been such a fool. "I was about to get married, before coming. Ashton and I have been dating for the longest time. I love him so much I," he took a deep breath. "I just want to go back to him." Tears stung Niall's eyes but he held them. He didn't want to cry. He needed to learn to live with it, at least until he got home.

Liam sympathetically patted his shoulder. "We should go back. Get some of that shit food and sleep. It's been a long day."

Niall had nightmares. Flashes of faces, of explosions, of the sound of the gun. Cries of pain and splotches of blood. He tossed and turned, and woke up a couple of times to find himself covered in cold sweat. Sometimes he'd see Ashton. So close he'd think he could touch him, but no matter how far he stretched he couldn't reach him. In his dreams, he'd savor death, from either a bullet on the throat or in the head.

He had nightmares. And many of the nightmares were real.


	6. Day 125

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Christmas time isn't that great anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the hits and kudos <3\. Sidenote: Happy Birthday to Zayn!

_Ashton,_

_Your mom told me you’ve been lying in your letters. I won’t even ask why the hell she’s read our letters, but whatever. I got mad, you know? I think you’re being selfish. You’re the one that gets to stay safely back home, without having to worry for your life every fucking second. You haven’t had to see anyone die painfully in front of your very own eyes, you haven’t been victim of a surprise attack. You haven’t had to shoot anyone in order to save your own fucking life. Why can’t you just appreciate what you have? Be fucking happy you’re not here? Enjoy being home, fucking cherish it because I’d do anything to be there right now. Stop playing victim._

_Niall_

 

There was no way Ashton had actually read that correctly. He scanned over the letter one more time, tears threatening to spill again. It would be the first time he’s cried since Thanksgiving.

His mind didn’t even process that his mom had been the one to tell Niall that Ashton wasn’t exactly mentally stable at the moment. He wasn’t completely awful, not at all. He just really missed his fiancé, and yeah he felt bad about being upset but he didn’t think it was that invalid.

The first thing he considered was that Niall was breaking up with him, and suddenly the ring felt very heavy on his finger. No where in the letter did it say anything like that, but he assumed the worst.

Ashton didn’t let the tears spill because that was exactly what Niall was mad at him for. All of the letters he received from Niall he had folded neatly back up and put into a desk. This one though, he crumpled it up and threw it angrily against the wall.  The idea that he was being selfish for crying had crossed his mind many many times, but actually having Niall say it to him was…

He’d yell at his mom later for intervening, but it was Christmas and he had to leave to go to Niall’s parents’ place soon. It would be hard to face them after reading Niall’s letter. He had planned to sympathize with them but now it seemed like he wouldn’t be able to. How did Niall even have the nerve to say that to him when he was 6,000 miles away?

All Ashton seemed to be these days was be sad or angry. The “oh so happy boy” everyone said he was didn’t seem to exist anymore. He’d known he was a bit optimistic before Niall left but now it just seemed stupid to give himself false hope. Or any hope really.

It was too late now to bail out on the Horan family. He wouldn’t have done it anyway, they were trying to deal with the absence of their son too. The least he could do was share their pain. He hadn’t been sure of what to get them so he’d gotten them what his mom had asked for a few years ago.

A coffee maker.

He’d been informed that Greg would not be attending, and he didn’t know anyone else going to be there so that’s all he’d gotten. It was a good thing too because coffee makers are not cheap. It still needed to be wrapped so Ashton used this as an excuse to not start getting ready yet.

He went on a search to look for wrapping paper, being extra careful to not look at any pictures on the wall. For example, the one he knew was of them on their graduation day that was in the hallway connecting their bedroom to the living room. Or the one above the TV of them on their first vacation together. He wouldn’t look at any of them. Or he’d try not to at least.

His expression stayed neutral while he badly attempted to wrap the box. Every so often his lip would wobble, and he’d have to take a few deep breaths and force himself not to cry. He promised himself he wouldn’t be doing any of that tonight.

His phone buzzed a few times while he was wrapping and when he checked them, his background made him wince. Most of the texts were just from the boys wishing him a “merry christmas” and to “keep safe.” Ashton wasn’t really sure what that was supposed to mean.

Ashton put on his Christmas sweater and overcoat as slow as he possibly could to avoid having to leave. His hair was an absolute mess, and he did his best to tame it. The sight of himself in the mirror made him do a double take. He looked just as he always did with the same brownish-green eyes, curly hair across his forehead, dimples when he smiled. There were no circles under his eyes, no external scars. He had no idea what Niall looked like at this very moment.

He didn’t know if his blue eyes were still bright or if he’d even smiled in all the time he’d been gone, besides that one night while on video with Ashton. His hair was shorter he knew and no longer blond. He knew Niall had always had naturally brown hair, but he’d always kept it blond while knowing Ashton.

A part of him felt guilty for not having any outer damage. He wouldn’t have any either. He didn’t really have any internal damage either. Niall had been right in his letter, he had no valid reason to cry. He had never seen someone die because of him or had to see so many others suffer around him.

He still wasn’t totally convinced that he wasn’t allowed to cry. It was extremely hard to adjust to life without Niall, it was something he hadn’t done since before he was 14. And then he hadn’t even known Niall.

So yes, he was allowed to cry. He just needed to realize how fucking amazing it was that he was still in New York. All he really wanted was Niall back, and if that was selfish he was okay with it.

With reluctance, Ashton got into his car with the gift and started towards the Horan house. It being New York, traffic was horrible, but it being New York on Christmas, traffic was ten times as worse. A drive that should’ve taken twenty minutes took over an hour. Ashton was grateful that he was able to hold off another hour before having to face Niall’s parents.

Once at the house, he tried to remain as calm as possible. He’d been close to Niall’s family ever since he’d met them. They were some of the nicest people, now shouldn’t be any different.

He knocked on the door of the house. The houses in Brooklyn were so cute, he wouldn’t have minded living in one himself. Maybe after he graduated and Niall came back, he could talk him into moving out of their apartment. Then he remembered that Niall was mad at him and shook any ideas of a future out of his head.

A cute women with blonde hair opened the door. She beamed at him. “Ashton!” Her arms wrapped around his middle in a hug, and there was no hesitation when he hugged her back. His nose was pressed into the top of her head. She smelled like minty fresh toothpaste and Niall. She smelled so much like Niall it hurt.

“Maura,” he said back, just as happily. “How’re you?”

She ushered him inside the house. “It must be freezing out there. And oh just jolly. How are you, dear?”

Inside the house felt like it was made of gingerbread. Christmas music was playing softly and it smelled like peppermint and eggnog. Ashton couldn’t count how many times he’d been in this house, usually with Niall.

“I’m alright.” Lie. He smiled at her. “Where is everyone?”

“In the family room.” Maura led him down the short hallway that opened up into an average size family room, just a bit bigger than Ashton’s apartment. In the room were Greg, Theo, Denise, and Deo who he’d met before and then another girl sitting on the couch with them, who he’d never met before. Looks like Greg and his family had decided to show up. What a relief.

“If I had known there’d be more people I would’ve gotten more presents,” Ashton said somewhat sheepishly. He was gently shoved onto the the loveseat, and he hung his head down.

“No need.” Bobby put an arm around his wife’s shoulders while smiling at him politely. “Good to see you again, son.” He held his hand out towards him.

Ashton firmly shook it but didn’t make eye contact with him. It had been him who had pressured Niall into joining the army. It was because of him Niall wasn’t spending Christmas with them now. “You too, Mr. Horan.”

Bobby had always scolded him for calling him that and not his first name, but it was habit that Ashton found too hard to break now.

“Emma, this is Ashton, Ashton Emma.” Maura motioned between Ashton and this new Emma person.

He gave a shy smile in her direction. If Niall had been sitting next to him he would’ve felt more confident to start up a conversation with someone, but without him he was the outsider. Everyone here was related. The only reason he was even there was because Niall wasn’t.

Ashton only seemed to be capable of thinking of Niall, so he tried to focus on something else. Like Theo who was now three. Every time Ashton saw the little guy he started to look more like the Horan boys. His eyes were still blue and a permanent smile was plastered onto his face. Messy brown hair came out of the top of his head. They all were eerily similar.

“So, Ashton.” Greg leaned over towards him while trying to balance Theo on his leg. Denise and Emma were in deep conversation and Deo was trying to help Maura and Bobby fix the lights on the tree. Ashton was grateful Greg had shown up after all. “How’s school treating you?”

“College can be… Tough at times. Especially with the current situation.” Ashton shifted, hoping this wouldn’t bring up the topic of Niall. “But it’s also a great distraction. Can’t wait till I graduate though… I really want to start a career.”

“Oh you won’t be saying that when you get one.” Greg shook his head, smiling. “Glad to know you’re optimistic about it though. Most kids your age stress about it.”

“I like to keep some things in my life positive. I’ll save stressing for other things. A career sounds pretty good right now, I kind of need something that’ll keep me busy.”

“When do we get to open presents, Daddy?” Theo had a lisp on his Rs when he spoke and he bounced eagerly on his father’s leg.

“Be patient, Theo, we’ve still got to eat dinner.”

Ashton gave Theo an understanding look before laughing. It was a nice feeling. “Presents are what Christmas is all about.”

“Don’t put ideas into his head,” Greg groaned.

Ashton’s statement seemed to make Theo more eager. He sang “presents” in a light voice while poking his dad’s cheek.

“See what you’ve done.” Greg gave him a look.

Ashton watched the scene before him with a sort of longing. Greg seemed so in awe of everything his son did. Ashton wanted that, he wanted to get married to Niall just to prove that yeah, they did last and then he wanted to be a dad. He didn’t care how they got their kid, he just wanted to know what it was like to love someone like that. None of that could happen until Niall got back. If Niall got back.

The whole room was a picture perfect, family moment for a Hallmark movie. All except for Ashton’s love story. All of them really, but it was only noticeable for him. Everyone looked to be content and full, but they all were missing a part of their family.

At half past seven, Maura called everyone to the dining room for dinner. It wasn’t a very big table, just enough for everyone to have some elbow room. In the middle of the circular table was a chicken and around it various foods. Ashton’s favorite part of spending Christmas with them usually was the wonderful dessert Maura made. And the Figgy pudding which his mom had never gotten because she insisted it was terrible.

Maura went around the table and filled all their glasses with champagne (except Theo of course, he got apple juice) and a chorus of “Merry Christmas” was said around the table.

While everyone chatted happily to one another, Ashton thought about the letter. That goddamn letter that was the only thing keeping him from crying anymore. He didn’t want to disappoint or make Niall mad. Ever.

People evoked conversation with him every so often, but mostly he stayed silent while he cut his pieces of chicken into even tinier pieces.

When everyone was finished eating, Maura turned to Theo to make the final decision. “Should we open presents or eat dessert next?”

Theo seemed to think long and hard about. Ashton imagined it being a tough decision for Niall as well, even now as an adult. He hoped he was still a kid at heart whatever he was doing right now.

“Presents…” Theo seemed hesitant but then nodded surely. “Presents.”

Everyone moved back to the family room. This time Ashton sat next to Theo and started light conversation with him while Maura organized the presents into what belonged to whom. In Ashton’s pile was only one rectangular package, but he wasn’t surprised or disappointed. It was more than he expected.

No one waited for each other to open presents, everyone opened everything at once. Ashton’s hand shook slightly as he tore off the snowman wrapping paper. It was a picture frame. With a picture, a picture he could’ve gladly gone without seeing ever.

It was Niall no more than five, dressed in a camouflage uniform and holding a hopefully fake rifle. He was smiling and in any under circumstances it would have been the most adorable thing Ashton had ever seen. Now it felt like they were mocking him. It hurt to see. It seemed that this had been his horrible fate ever since a young age.

“Niall…” Ashton ran his fingers over the glass. No tears threatened to fall, his eyes stayed completely dry, but every other part of him felt like it was crying. He lifted his head up to see Maura looking right back at him sadly.

Both of them were hurting.

 

  
  


 

_Dear Niall,_

_I’ve seen yours and Ashton’s corresponding letters, and I know he’s telling you he’s fine._

_As a mother it is my job to make sure he’s happy. He is not fine. He seems like it on the outside, but while preparing dinner he went a little crazy._

_I don’t know what I expect you to do with this information but I just thought you should know. My best wishes to you._

_Love,_

_Lily_

 

Niall read the letter once. Twice. Fifteen times, before he could thoroughly process what it said. It didn’t seem real, to be hearing this from his mother in law. When he finally got it through his head, he felt a lot of mixed emotions.

First of all, anger. He was so angry hot blood rushed to his face and he glared at nothing. He got up from his bunk and walked to the bathroom in long and determined strides, tore the letter into tiny pieces and tossed them to the trash. He looked at himself in the mirror and bit back a scream.

Niall had always appreciated Ashton’s family, he really had. Lily had always been one of his favorite people ever, being like a second mother to him. But she had nothing to do in his relationship with Ashton. She had no right to interfere. If Ashton was hiding something it wasn’t her place to throw him under the bus. Niall had been a thousand times better not knowing, to be honest.

At the same time, he was mad at Ashton for hiding his real feelings and pretending everything was fine. Of course he could see why he’d hid them, no need to give the man at war more worries than the ones he already had, but he’d never appreciated being lied to. He could’ve maybe even helped Ashton feel a bit better, if he’d known.  

The feeling that followed was frustration. He had a gagging urge to smack some sense into his boyfriend. Less than a week ago he’d been in the middle of open fire, killing and avoiding to get killed, and Ashton was the one having emotional unwellness? Something didn’t sound fucking right here. He got to enjoy life at its plenty...not some cheap version Niall was having to cope with right now, away in Iraq. Ashton should be absolutely living it up, making the most out of every second because he was much safer in New York than Niall was, but that life could be taken away in a split second. Like it had happened to Niall. 

Lastly, he was sad. Sad because Ashton was lonely without him, because he’d left him alone right after getting engaged, and because life just wasn’t fucking fair. It made him sad to think about Ashton crying over his absence, and he couldn’t hold him or make him smile. But put sadness up in a fight with the other feelings and it will lose, become a forgotten idea as the two stronger ones take action.

Niall splashed some ice cold water on his face, trying to clear his mind. But the longer he was standing there just thinking he got even more worked up. What the hell did Lily want him to do? He couldn’t just go back home for a quick visit. Besides, if he could it’d only end up with Ashton crying again when it was time to leave. If Ashton was gonna be sad he couldn’t stop him, even if he was fucking angry for the way he was behaving. He tried to do calming breathing exercises but nothing was working. He got an urge bigger than himself to express to Ashton exactly what he felt. All he needed was pen and paper.

  
  
  


He’d received the letter almost two weeks ago and he still thought about it a lot. He thought about his own response, too. There were times in which he felt painful pangs of guilt for being too hard on Ashton. Others his stomach would just clench in fury when he remembered that Ashton was comfortably back home crying while he’d had to endure deaths and battles and was mainly sucking it up. He had trouble sleeping and keeping his focus during the day. He was also extra snippy at everyone, which wasn’t getting him any friends. Though he wasn’t the only one. No one was too thrilled about having to spend Christmas in a military base located in an enemy country. It wasn’t an specifically cheery environment.

He wondered how was Ashton doing, and if he’d gotten his letter yet. A part of him regretted ever writing, let alone sending, a letter so harsh, but the rest of him was sure that letting his boyfriend see what he really thought could only help him get a grip. 

Niall almost felt happy when he was told he had kitchen duty today. No, even though he’d love to, he wasn’t cooking, just cleaning. But that was better than standing guard outside in the sun. He was pleasantly surprised when he saw Louis was going to be working with him. At least he’d have someone he liked to chat with. But there was something off with Louis today, it was easy to tell with his forced smiles and trembling hands.

“Are you alright?” Niall asked after a while of meaningless talk.

“I was just about to ask you the same thing,” Louis replied turning around from the counter he was cleaning to look at Niall. “You look so nervous.”

“Do I really?” Niall replied with a tired tone. “It’s not that I’m nervous. Not exactly. I’m just - I think I’m arguing with my boyfriend?” Louis raised his eyebrows in confusion. “Over letters? His mom somehow got her hands on our letters and she sent one to me telling me how much Ashton was suffering back there and I got angry. What the fuck am I supposed to do about that? And he shouldn’t be suffering that much. He’s safe and at home. I guess I went a little hard on him with the letter I wrote back. He hasn’t replied.”

“Oh Niall,” Louis sounded like he was talking to someone that was absolutely out of his mind. He had replaced his look of uneasiness for one of shocked disgust. “Are you seriously mad at him for being upset? He’s probably worrying about you all the time, and of course he misses you. Okay, he might be in considerably less pressure and danger than you are, but your pain is his pain, Niall. His mom made a mistake interfering but you shouldn’t have reacted like that, I’m sorry. Fighting while on different fucking continents doesn’t make any sense.”

Niall considered his friend’s words for a second. In fact, there was nothing to consider, Louis was right, but he hated to admit to himself that he’d acted wrong. “I called him selfish,” he whispered. “Said that he should appreciate what he has. Maybe I shouldn’t have but. I don’t know what took over me. I was so angry.”

“You obviously shouldn’t have,” Louis snapped back. “He isn’t selfish for worrying about you. If I were you, I’d apologize.”

“I will,” Niall replied sheepishly. Now that he realized how much of an asshole he’d been, he was ashamed of himself. He felt his stomach drop and his cheeks go red, and decided he wanted to drop the subject. “But what about you? I asked if you were alright first.”

“Oh,” Louis replied shrinking back to his fidgety and tense state. “Well, yesterday was my birthday. Today’s Christmas. And I haven’t been able to talk to Harry at all.” He sighed and went back to scrubbing the counter, more aggressively than before. He let out a dry laugh. “He kept saying he was planning something big for my birthday. He was really excited about it and now...letters just don’t do. I couldn’t even get a video chat because too many people had asked for one before, being Christmas and all...and it sucks.”

“I’m sorry man,” Niall said sympathetically. He had gotten the chance to talk to Ashton on his birthday, and it would’ve been fair for Louis to get a chance too. But life wasn’t fair.

“Yeah, I’m trying not to think about it,” Louis said a little coldly, and Niall decided to drop it. He thought it probably wasn’t wise to talk to Louis about missing his family and stuff, as he wasn’t coping too well, but he wished he could. Keeping it all to himself was hard. He wanted to talk about how much he would love to have a proper Christmas dinner, and the unhealthy jealousness he felt because he knew Ashton would be spending dinner with Niall’s family. And well, his family was going to be able to see Ashton when he couldn’t. His thoughts and feelings were a tangled mess, but he knew Louis wasn’t a fan of serious talk, and Niall felt alone.

Every time they attempted conversation, it went back to the topic of family. Louis was terribly snippy at first, but after a while he started to open up. He told Niall about his four little sisters and his lovely mom, but most of the time he talked about Harry. Niall wondered if he looked as in love as Louis did when he talked about Ashton. He guessed he did. He forgot they were currently arguing too many times, and remembering it was to open the wound all over again. He really needed to get this fixed.

They talked about Niall’s family, too. He was proud to talk about them, but felt so nostalgic he tried to switch the subject quickly. Unfortunately for him, the conversation only turned darker.

“I think I’ll never be able to fully accept I shot someone,” Louis said, seemingly out of the blue, and his eyes looked far away. “And that I’ll probably do it again. I mean, it was self defence right? But is it ever acceptable to do it? What the fuck will happen when they send me on a raid?”

“I know,” Niall was quick to reply, glad that someone felt the way he did. “It’s just - I

know we’re fighting for the right cause, but don’t you think they feel the same? Attacking us is their way to defend themselves.” He shook his head and sighed in frustration. He’d thought about this too many times. Trying to justify his actions only had him thinking of more reasons why they were wrong. “War is fucked up man.”

“I’m not sure I’ll be able to make it,” Louis said quietly. Pure fear present in his tone. As soon as it came though, it was gone. “Whatever. We need to do what we came here for. They probably won’t be feeling too bad about the lives they take, so we shouldn’t either.” He spoke harshly, and Niall knew the conversation was over. Louis had just closed his shell again, and Niall knew he should probably work on getting a shell for himself. He couldn’t keep letting his feelings interfere. This was his job, and he’d let his life behind to do it. No matter how many lives he had to end in the process. No matter how much he felt like a monster.

The silence allowed him to think about Ashton, for a change. Anxiousness was eating his insides. He hoped he hadn’t been mean enough to make Ashton resolve he wasn’t worth it. He knew Ashton had always stuck with him through their fights, even the ones that were bad enough for one of them to go to sleep on the couch, but now was different. He was away, there was no certainty that he was ever going to get back home, and he was literally just holding back Ashton from living. Maybe the letter had made Ashton decide he wasn’t worth the wait. It didn’t seem like much of a possibility - they’d been together for so long, Niall knew Ashton loved him, but now he couldn’t afford to take things for granted. And hell, if it did happen, he knew he’d never be truly happy again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments are the best please and thank you hope you enjoyed


	7. Day 162

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks everyone for reading, and we'd really appreciate it if you gave us comments! like if we get two comments we'll update a little earlier! please we're desperate

 

Liberal studies was one of his favorite classes. It was really interesting to get a little bit of knowledge about everything. Ashton didn’t want to spend to his Wednesday night watching CNN and taking notes.

The only good thing about it was that he had a real reason to ignore the numerous texts Calum was sending him about going to some frat party. Yeah, no that wasn’t happening. He made himself a little organized area, putting the box of pizza he’d ordered on the coffee table, and the portable desktop he had on his lap so he could write.

CNN’s first segment was on the new curriculum being used in the local schools, and Ashton boredly scribbled bullet pointed notes on his sheet of paper. He really didn’t give a rat’s ass about how this new way of learning would brighten young children’s minds.

What came on next was something Ashton was not expecting, and he really wished he’d decided to watch a different channel.

“Recent reports have shown us that there have been countless battles between US and Iraqi troops,” the reporter on TV was saying. “A helicopter above recorded some footage.” The screen changed to a very bad quality video of a high above few of what looked to be a lot dirt. There were shots being fired from every direction, and Ashton could clearly tell that there were a few bodies. He seemed to be able to convince himself that one of the bodies resembled Niall, no matter how horrible the video was.

He couldn’t watch anymore. Ashton clicked the TV off and huddled into the blankets on the couch. There was rain thudding against the roof which did nothing to help Ashton’s mood. “No,” he told himself. “He’s still alive, no one’s contacted you to say he’s dead.”

That didn’t mean other things couldn’t have happened. What if he was wounded? Did the they do wounded house calls? No tears fell, for which Ashton was thankful. He was going to prove to Niall (how did he do that when he wasn’t even on the same continent?) that he wasn’t some selfish baby who took life for granted. He was also pretty sure he was all cried out for the rest of his life.

He couldn’t miss class tomorrow, this debate was 50% of his grade his professor had told him. He wouldn’t be prepared though, which would probably lower his grade anyway.

His phone was still buzzing beside him so he finally told Calum to “fuck off” and turned it off. Normally he wouldn’t have said that. Ever. But he was mad and frustrated, and he just wanted to make sure his boyfriend was still alive. There was still half a pizza left, but he didn’t feel like eating the rest anymore. He put it into the fridge and went to their room to wallow away in self pity.

Like the pathetic person he was, he scrounged through their closet until he found Niall’s Celtics hoodie that was more than big on him, but fit perfectly on Ashton and smelled just like his boyfriend.

He spent the rest of the night cuddled under the covers in Niall’s hoodie and watching Titanic.

  
  


Ashton had to physically drag himself to class the next morning. It was cold, and it seemed like the universe was trying to make him feel miserable on purpose, because he’d woken up congested and coughing up his lungs.

He would’ve called a taxi, but he couldn’t afford that, and then he would’ve been late. While driving he kept have to clear his nose, and it was just a pain in the ass trying to get to campus. A few students asked if he was alright, to which he quickly waved away.

There was no doubt that he probably looked absolutely horrible. He was hoping the mirror had exaggerated the paleness of his skin. Probably not. Inside, the projector screen was already pulled down to show their topic he was guessing. “Modern Warfare” it said.

If Niall wasn’t away suffering at war, Ashton probably would’ve laughed. He’d gotten Harry a used copy of that video game a few Christmases ago. Students were already getting their notes out, and Ashton felt very unprepared. He nervously took his seat and pretended to look busy.

Niall’s most recent letter to him made him feel sick with guilt. Ashton thought his life was horrible, but really it was like heaven compared to what he could only imagine Niall was going through.

Just as she always was, his professor walked into the room. She was in her normal attire (pencil skirt and blouse) but on her head was a camouflage hat. A very familiar looking camouflage hat. Niall had been wearing one identical to it the morning he’d left.

It’s just a hat, he told himself, you’ve got to keep your cool. Niall is fine. Every second Ashton was regretting showing up to class. His bed and some ice cream seemed a lot more inviting.

“Alright class!” his professor said, way too happy for the current topic of discussion. “As you know, we’ll be having our debate today. I hope you all watched the news last night, they had a segment on it that would’ve been very helpful. As the board says, we will be discussing modern warfare. Who knows what’s happening with the US Military today?”

A girl in the back of the classroom nervously raised her hand, and Ashton wanted to roll his eyes. What was this, high school? “Well,” she started, “we have troops in Iraq because Osama’s old gang are harming the citizens. I think.”

“Correct,” Professor Scotts said, nodding. “And some people think that we should just leave the country alone, because it’s not our problem. Other people say that yes, we do need to take action because what they’re doing is inhumane. I know you’ve all probably got your opinions about what we should do, but you need to be able to argue from any side. Divide yourselves up into two halves.”

Asking a room full of seniors in college to divide themselves up was the same thing as asking middle schoolers to do it; it involved a lot of arguing, confusion, and time. Ashton just stayed where he was and let the rest of the class divide themselves accordingly.

Unsurprisingly, it took over five minutes to divide and settle down, and Professor Scotts looked like she had a major headache. Poor lady. “Alright, alright. Now, left side you will be leaving the country. Right side will be staying on ground. Alright? Alright. Right side we’ll start with you.”

Ashton didn’t know whether he was thankful to be on the left side, or if it’d be easier to lie and be on the right. He took out his note paper, but he wasn’t listening very intently to the right side. Most of them just gave the same paraphrased answer.

They needed to stay because harming civilians was wrong, and if we didn’t step in other countries might think they could start doing the same. If Ashton wasn’t so biased, he’d probably agree with them. But all he could wrap his mind around was that the most important person in the world to him was out there fighting for millions of people he didn’t even know. For a country that was fighting within its borders.

His side didn’t make him feel any better. They were mostly varied answers of the same thing too. We’re risking the lives of our men for a country smaller than the population of California. Ashton was coming up with a way to say the same thing, but when they got to him it wasn’t what left his mouth.

“So my fiancé can come home.”

The whole room was silent, no pens moving anymore. All their eyes were locked on him, and Ashton felt like wrapping his arms around himself self consciously. That’s not what he meant to say. No. That wasn’t supposed to happen. Now people would either think he was a freak or a child needing pity.

Carry on please, he silently begged, staring at his blank paper to avoid meeting eye contact with anyone.

Time unfroze after a few seconds of more staring, and the person next to him went. Ashton kept his head buried into his crossed arms for the remainder of the period, not participating at all on the debate part.

He only barely caught the homework, a persuasive essay for either side. Ashton rushed out of the lecture hall, pulling his hood to cover his head. He couldn’t believe he said that. Did he really fucking say that? God, he really fucking said that. This was high school all over again after he’d accidentally called Mrs. Grunberg ‘Mom’ and the whole class laughed at him for the rest of the year. The silence was worse somehow.

“Hey! Wait up!” someone behind him was shouting.

Ashton didn’t realize they’d been talking to him until the person grabbed his arm. With the grip they had, he’d assumed to find a boy but it was actually a petite, feathery girl. Someone he could vaguely remember seeing in class sometimes.

“How do you know my name?” Ashton didn’t mean to be rude. He didn’t mean to do a lot of things today.

“We’ve been in class together for like four years. Do you not know mine? Whatever, it’s Liv. I’m Liv. Olivia if you want the full, but I’ll punch you in the jaw if you call me that. How’re you?” She barely came up to Ashton’s chest, he didn’t know why he was intimidated by the small girl.

“I’m- who are you?”

“I told you. I’m Liv.”

“Why’re you talking to me? Is it because of what I said in class? I don’t want you to be nice to me out of pity. That’s worse than being ridiculed.” Ashton felt like sleeping forever.

“Fine. I won’t be nice to you. Frankly, you’re kind of rude and you should wash your hair more often. It’s kind of greasy. Is that better?” Liv crossed her arms like she was daring him to cross her.

Ashton was a little dumbstruck by this girl he’d just barely met. He touched his hair. “What’s wrong with my hair?”

“Nothing. But I bet you’re not thinking about the thing you don’t want to be thinking about right now. Am I right?”

Ashton thought she was pure sorcery. “Would you like to grab some?”

 

Liv grew up in Manhattan with her grandma because he parents were drunk driving and crashed into a tree. She had one older sister who she hadn’t spoken to in year, and she was planning to become an elementary school teacher because she fell in love with the little demons when she got her first babysitting job at thirteen.

Apparently if you gave a 90 pound girl three shots of espresso it was like getting her drunk. She spilled her life’s story after it. Ashton hadn’t minded, it meant that he didn’t have to talk only listen.

And she didn’t ask him to talk either. She asked what he was willing to share so he told her about his mom and his siblings and how he’d been playing drums forever.

It was nice to talk to someone that knew nothing about him. Unlike his friends who were always expecting fun quirky Ashton to pop out at any moment, Liv didn’t know about that side of him. She thought she was seeing all there was, and it made things simpler.

Ashton was pretty sure he’d met his new best friend.

  
  
  


Niall,

I realize that me crying is selfish, trust me I know. That’s all I think about and I feel awful, but it’s not really my choice to cry. I’m sorry my mom decided to interfere, but I’m not going to apologize for being upset. You deserve to be upset way more than me, but it hasn’t exactly been easy for me either. I’m not sorry that I miss you, I’m sorry that you have to be gone. All I want is for you to come home and if that’s why you’re mad at me, then I can’t do much. Please don’t be mad, I love you.

Ash x

Niall found himself properly breathing for the first time since he’d gotten Lily’s letter. He was beyond relieved that Ashton wasn’t mad at him, and he felt more like shit for getting angry at him in the first place. He couldn’t suppress a smile, even though what Ashton was saying wasn’t great. He was still sad, but there really wasn’t much Niall could do about it. He was upset he wasn’t home, too. All he wanted was to have Ashton in his arms, but at least they weren’t fighting anymore. Niall wanted to sit and write a response right away, but he had to go stand guard today. Either way, he was much calmer now that he’d received this letter. He really needed to apologize, and he had many hours to think about the right words to say.

He was pleasantly surprised when it turned out Louis would be guarding with him. They hadn’t gotten to work together since Christmas, and it’s not like they needed to catch up or anything but it was always nice talking to Louis. He looked worse now than he had at Christmas though, and that couldn’t be good. Niall knew Louis had been in the team that had to go pick up some injured soldiers from a somewhat nearby village they’d been surveying before getting brutally attacked, but other than that nothing too traumatizing had happened to him, that Niall was aware of. Louis’ eyes were dark as the bags under them, his lips tight in a permanent scowl. Niall couldn’t help to be a little concerned.

“Hi Louis. How are you doing?” Niall asked trying to sound casual, but it didn’t take a genius to figure out he was concerned. The way his friend jumped when he spoke only made it worse. The tense smile he did later was ten times worse than his scowl.

“I’m fine. What about you?” Louis’ tone was way too light to be real. Niall looked down at his hands, uncharacteristically still, but he could see the nails had been bitten to the core.

“Alright. Ashton replied, I think we’re gonna be okay. I still need to apologize, but he says he’s not mad at me.” This made Louis’ smile turn a little more genuine, and he patted Niall on the back.

“Great to hear that. Have I told you how terribly dumb you were being?” Niall just rolled his eyes and nodded, smiling as Louis laughed quietly. But even the laugh was a little off. He just wasn’t okay.

“I believe you have. I think I’ve learned my lesson now.” Louis just nodded and stared off into the distance again, getting lost in his thoughts rather quickly. Niall really wanted to know what was up with him, because even though he shouldn’t he’d grown attached to this guy. He did care for him. Even though he probably couldn’t help much with whatever was happening.

“Louis? Are you okay?” Niall asked cautiously after a while of silence, sure to have noticed Louis’ eyes moisten. It took some time for Louis to actually direct his attention to him, and he didn’t even bother to pretend to be fine again. He shrugged and didn’t open his mouth to say anything. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing. Nothing’s wrong. I’m just being ridiculous.” Louis waved his hand as is he was scaring off a fly.   

“Louis…”

“What if I just don’t want to tell you?” He snapped, and Niall felt a little taken aback. Louis had never spoken like that to him, nor had he ever looked so...sad.

Niall just nodded slowly and took a couple steps back. “Erm, it’s okay, just wanted to-”

“It’s just that,” Louis interrupted, talking louder than before and doing a frustrated gesture with his hands. “Today’s Harry’s birthday, and I couldn’t talk to him. Of course I sent a letter but it’s not the same. I haven’t seen his face once since I came here. It’s really getting to me,” Louis admitted with a defeated huff. “I knew this wasn’t gonna be easy, but I thought I could handle it.”

Niall thought his answer out carefully before talking, not wanting to upset Louis even more. He’d never really expected to see Louis like this. When they’d first met, he’d looked so determined, so unbreakable. And now here he was, eyes sunken, looking desperate, pleading for reassurance just with his expression. “I’m so sorry to hear that, man. I’m sure Harry’s doing well, missing you of course, but try not to think about him. It’ll just be harder-”

“How can you stop thinking about him? Do you just decide to not think about Ashton? It just haunts me, the fact that he’s home alone, that I can’t see him, I just,” Louis took a very deep breath. When he spoke again, his voice was eerily calm. “I told you I was being ridiculous.

“No, you’re not.” Louis was doing the exact opposite of what Niall had done. He was worrying more about Harry being upset and alone than his own feelings and struggles, and it kinda made Niall feel like a shitty boyfriend, But oh well, he’d work on that. “Look, you just gotta...focus on the positive. Think of the good times you’ve had and you’re gonna have when you come back. Don’t think about the bad stuff.

“Yeah.” Louis’ tone was curt and not open for further discussion. His face was hard again, and Niall hated yet admired the way he could lock himself away in his shell. Though the more he knew Louis, the more he noticed his shell wasn’t effective at all.

This never happened with Liam. They could share worries and feelings, and as cheesy as that may sound, having someone listen was priceless. He didn’t call him names like Louis did, and even though the name calling was needed sometimes too, someone to just try to listen and understand calmly was very good. He was very level-headed for the amount of time he’d been here. He wasn’t too bitter, or at least he didn’t show it. He was the only break he got from all the madness, because even talking to Louis caused him stress nowadays. Niall had learned Liam didn’t get to talk to his boyfriend a lot either, which made him wonder if their commander was somewhat homophobic, because he’d heard of many soldiers video chatting their girlfriends multiple times.  

Niall honestly didn’t know how he’d be coping without Liam. They didn’t get to talk much, as they almost always got different tasks and their rare time off was never at the same time, but he really appreciated the small chats they had during breakfast and dinner. They weren’t always deep and sad, they did know how to have a laugh too. And Liam knew how to think about stuff fondly and not with pain like Louis. He knew how to make you smile and only smile with the memories of home, never letting the conversation turn sad and nostalgic. Because he didn’t only miss his family and Ashton...he missed being able to play football on the weekends, getting wasted now and then, pizza and some other quality food (like KFC), being able to blast his favorite music, sleeping in on Sundays, his phone and his laptop. It was unhealthy to want to go back so badly when not even six months had gone by yet.

He just missed home so much...he hoped it was because he’d just gotten here, that the yearning went away after getting a little more adjusted to this lifestyle, but deep down he knew it wouldn’t be like that. There were some things you just couldn’t get used to saying goodbye to. They would be vivid in his memory and his dreams until he got the chance to do them again. And there would probably be stuff he wouldn’t ever get used to living here. He knew the barracks would always look foreign, he’d never wake up fully recognizing his surroundings and they’d never feel welcoming. He’d never be good with all of the other soldiers, because though there was respect between them there wasn’t trust. He just felt lost here.

Niall just hoped he’d actually live long to get back to his old life. So far he hadn’t witnessed too many deaths from his side, but what if one of the unlucky few turned out to be him? He hadn’t gotten married, he hadn’t formed a family of his own, he hadn’t truly lived yet. He would hate it so much if his childhood and teenage years had been all he’d gotten out of the only chance at this world he’d ever have, because they hadn’t been enough.

Sometimes he got so lost in his thoughts he neglected his actual guarding duty completely. He could almost hear Ashton’s laugh, or feel his fingertips touching gently over his skin, he could see his beautiful eyes if he closed his eyes and concentrated hard enough. He started to realize how much he took stuff for granted when he was back home, even though he always told himself not to. It was because he’d never seen the possibility of being deployed as an actual possibility, He knew there was a chance, but he hadn’t counted on it happening to him. It was too unreal and too painful that way. If he’d been more realistic about the whole ‘I’m in the military’ situation he might have been dealing with this whole thing better. But now he could just suck it up and bear with it while it lasted. 

He wondered what Ashton was doing at this very moment. Seeing it was barely 9 am in New York, he was probably just waking up. He could see him clearly, with his eyelids heavy with sleep still, hair messed up by the pillow, groaning as he unwillingly pushed the covers off his tall body, muttering to himself about how it was way too cold to leave bed. He really wished he could get in the shower with him , not even to do something sexual, just because it felt intimate, and it was really nice to have that level of intimacy with someone. He wished they could sit down to have breakfast together, chatting and laughing about silly stuff that reminded him of Ashton’s innocence. He wished he could see his dimpled smile, and really appreciate it. Hell, he’d even want to be having an argument over something petty like how Ashton didn’t start the dishwasher after dinner last night if that meant being next to him, being home.

He missed sleeping with Ashton, his arms wrapped securely around the younger boy, sharing their warmth. He wished he could whisper loving stuff into his ear to feel him relax even more into his embrace and sigh contently, as if he was genuinely happy. He wished of so many things, he had so many dreams of a future with him, so many things he needed to tell him, but he was away and out of reach. Plus, well, the fact that he mostly missed the sense of security and joy Ashton gave him while doing ordinary things, it didn’t mean he didn’t miss the sex too.

Damn, he really needed to write an extraordinary apology for being such an ass before.

But then Niall snapped out of his daydream to find himself in the middle of the desert, the sun burning his skin and making him sweat buckets, an ill humored Louis by his side and supposedly ready to sound every alarm in case of any unusual sights. This is why he hated standing guard so much. It was the only task that didn’t distract him and helped him stop thinking.


	8. Day 249

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we promised an earlier update and we literally just posted this the night before than we usually would. it's because one of us (yes me paolacrdgz) took too long to write her part. i am sorry. i am trash. thanks for the comments and kudos!! enjoy
> 
> pssst it'd be great if we reached 1000 hits.

“When was the last time you went to a party?”

Ashton looked up from his Modern Literature textbook at Liv, who had made herself more than at home, lazily stretched across his couch. “I don’t know. Junior year I guess? I haven’t exactly had time to go out and party much.” When he’d first started attending University, he’d gone to as many parties as he could and dragged Niall along to half of them. Now… Parties didn’t sound so appealing.

“Well you’re going to one tonight.” She tilted her head backwards to look at Ashton, her blonde hair looking blonder against the brown couch. “You know Delta Gamma? They’re throwing one and you’re coming with me.”

“I am not,” Ashton said stubbornly. Ever since becoming friends with Liv, he had been a bit more social than in the past. He’d gone to a few study groups, and even went and got coffee with some of Liv’s friends when she invited him. Going to a party seemed like too much.

He liked Liv. A lot. She was outgoing and loud and wasn’t afraid to call Ashton out on his shit. She also reminded him a lot of Niall, which was hard to deal with sometimes. They both had the same blonde hair with brown roots, and their eyes were blue and they were both small looking. He assumed that was why he got so close to her right away. Not only did they look alike, they acted alike. Liv could stuff her face with 20 hamburgers and not gain a single pound.

The only difference was that Ashton didn’t want to kiss or hold or hug Liv like he wanted to Niall. He liked girls he guessed, he wasn’t really sure, but it never had mattered. He’d been with Niall since sophomore year, there’d never been time to experiment. He liked to think of his sexuality as Niall, and only Niall.

“You’re going,” she said again. “C’mon, it’ll be fun. And getting wasted really helps take your mind off things.” She swung her legs off the couch, walking over to him and taking both his hands. “Please, Ashton, I’ll stay with you the whole time, and I won’t even drink so I can be the designated driver. Please?”

“I don’t know, Liv, I haven’t really done anything that extreme since… You know. What if something happens? What if I cheat on him? I couldn’t do that.” Ashton highly doubted he would, he never had before. Plus, he’d never really been attracted to anyone besides Niall. Yeah, he thought people were hot, but he didn’t see himself with them.

“Great. I’ll pick you up at eight.” Liv kissed his cheek, releasing his hands. “Might wanna shower, your hair is still kind of greasy.”

“I didn’t say I would go!” Ashton protested.

“Yes you did. See you in a few hours, babe.” Liv winked at him, grabbing her bag and leaving while Ashton continued to protest.

  
  


How was he supposed to dress to go to a frat party? Was he really so inexperienced that he didn’t know? Maybe Liv was right, he should go out more.

He finished feathering out his hair, and slipped into skinny jeans and one of his infamous tank tops. It was still pretty cold in New York, so he put on his hoodie as well. He’d taken Liv’s advice and showered, but his hair hadn’t been as greasy as she made it sound. Hopefully it hadn’t been at least.

Liv was right on time as she said she would, looking more done up than he’d ever seen her with what he assumed was called winged eyeliner (is that what it was?) and clothes that definitely emphasized her curves. Or lack of them. “Ready then?” she asked brightly, looping her arm through Ashton’s. Was that glitter in her hair?

“You’ve really gone all out. Are you sure you’re willing to be seen with me when I look so… dull?” Ashton had debated earlier if he should wear one of his headbands, but Niall had told him he looked ridiculous once so… He still kept the bandanas, he secretly knew Niall liked them no matter how ridiculous he looked. He hadn’t really worn one since Freshman year of college though, so he’d opted not to wear it now. Might as well try to fit in, right?

“Don’t try to get out of this. You’re going to have a good time, Ash. There will be music and food and drinks and people doesn’t that sound nice?” Liv tugged him through to doorway, starting to lead him through the halls.

“Not really. A box of takeout and some movies sounds better.” Ashton let himself be dragged, but he wasn’t happy about it. He especially wasn’t happy when he was forced to listen to shitty music on the way there.

“Can I go home now?” he pleaded.

“We haven’t even gotten there yet. We’ll be out til one at the latest. I promise. You’ll have fun!” Liv kept her eyes on the road, but she was smirking.

Ashton grumbled some words that would’ve gotten him in trouble with his mom, but he stopped arguing. Maybe he would have fun. He used to have fun at parties, why not now?

The drive was filled with Liv chatting to him nonstop, something Niall used to do too, and he suddenly was overcome with how much he missed his boyfriend. He should be going to this party with him, and maybe they’d get a little drunk and make out a little, and it would be fun. He would have fun.

Not fighting with him anymore had lifted a huge weight off his shoulders. It had been a stupid petty fight, and he’d lectured his mom about getting involved in the first place. Niall’s reply to Ashton’s very late response had been a very long apology filled with lots of ‘I love you’s’ and Ashton knew they were okay again.

Once outside the fraternity, Ashton gaped. It must’ve been one rich fraternity, the place was huge. Two stories high with a gigantic lawn… It was filled with people and booming music. He could practically smell the alcohol, and since it was only 8:45, he assumed more people would be showing up as the night went on. This was making him uneasy. He wasn’t sure if he was excited or scared.

Liv kept her arm through Ashton’s as they walked inside. She seemed to know a lot of people, she kept saying hi to people that Ashton had never even glanced at. Music was blasting through all parts of the house, and it was too loud to even make out what song it was. There were lots of couches with lots of couples practically having sex with clothing on, and there were different drinking games going on.

It took a while to navigate through the place, and when they came to the kitchen Ashton felt a wave of anxiousness settle over him. There was alcohol. Lots of it. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d gotten drunk, but suddenly he was eager to get to it.

“I’ll be right back!” Liv said to him over the music. “I’ve got to piss, don’t leave!” Her arm unhooked from his, and she was scurrying away quickly.

Ashton looked back at the countertop lined with different forms of liquor, and the multiple coolers with beer. He grabbed one and popped the cap of with one quick motion by banging it against the edge of the counter.

The taste wasn’t as great as he remembered at first, but soon he was done with it and grabbing another. Liv still wasn’t back yet so he wandered out of the kitchen into another room where many games were going on.

No one really paid attention to him, which was why he was surprised when someone told him to sit down. “Sorry?” he asked the guy with the blue sweatshirt and weird symbols on the front.

“Sit,” he said again. “We’re playing beer pong and I need someone else on my team.” The guy tugged his wrist until he was sitting on a chair in front of the ping pong table where cups were lined up.

The other two guys on the other side were both wearing the same sweatshirt, and Ashton couldn’t help but notice all the guys were tall. Tall and buff. How intimidating.

It had been a while since he’d played beer pong, but he couldn’t exactly say no. He was afraid his aim was going to be off.

One of the guys on the other side went first, tossing a ball smoothly into a cup on their side. “Newbie,” he said, pointing to Ashton. He had shaggy black hair tied into a small ponytail at the nape of his neck. “Drink.”

Ashton picked up the cup the ball had landed in to and slowly drank its contents. The alcohol was tasting better and better with every taste. The guy next to him went, blond buzz cut, making it into another cup, forcing the guy next to Ashton to drink. Brock was his name. That sounded exactly how he looked, fit and tough.

In the back of his mind he heard Liz telling him not to leave, but it was too late now. Apparently it was Ashton’s turn next because they were all staring at him. He picked up a ball, and did his best to toss it into one of the cups.

He missed.

The boys on the other side snickered, while the guy next to him groaned loudly. It was his partner’s turn next who easily made it in, telling shaggy black hair, Paul apparently, to drink.

Both boys on the other side made it in again, and Ashton had to chug another cup. All too quickly he was becoming tipsy. Weirdly enough it helped his aim, and he told buzzcut to drink. He didn’t bother learning his name, he didn’t care.

It was a quick game, and Ashton had to drink every time. He could hardly feel the floor by the time he was done. He felt better than he had in a long time. Ashton started his way back to the kitchen.

Half way there, at least he thought it was halfway there, someone cut him off. It was a girl, but not the petite blonde girl (Liv, yes that was her name), it was someone tall with very obvious curves and widely curly brown hair, and she smelled a lot like alcohol. “Haven’t seen you around here before,” she purred at him, swatting at his chest lightly. “Wanna dance?”

Ashton felt trapped. He couldn’t remember why he wasn’t allowed to dance with her, but he knew he wasn’t. He wasn’t allowed to. “Um, I’m…”

“Ashton!” a familiar voice shouted, and then there was another girl beside him. This was Liv. “Baby, where were you?” She wrapped his arms around him, nuzzling her nose against his shoulder.

This didn’t seem normal to Ashton, but he went with it. The taller girl looked disappointed and didn’t say anything as she sulked away. When she was gone, Liv looked pissed. “I told you not to leave the kitchen. Where’ve you been?”

“I think I was playing beer pong,” Ashton answered, sounding very slurred. “Where were you?”

“Pissing like I told you.” Liv gave him a look, but then she was smiling. “So how was beer pong? You sound pretty wasted? I hate to say I told you so, but I told you so. You’re welcome.”

Ashton had no idea what she was going on about so he just nodded, starting his original route to the kitchen. “Do you really need more to drink?” Liv asked pointedly.

“The answer to that is always yes.”

Liv giggled, watching Ashton take another beer from the cooler. There was something he knew he should be thinking about. Someone. That was the reason he couldn’t dance with that girl. Niall… Had he really been enjoying himself so much that he’d forgotten about Niall?

Ashton was too numb to feel sad about it, so he just downed another beer, watching as Liv talked someone’s ear off.

He shouldn’t be guilty about having fun, but he was. He was so guilty, he just wanted to apologize to Niall for everything.

  
  


It was way too bright. Ashton rolled over, burying his face into his pillow. All the events from last night came back. Now he remembered why he didn’t drink very often; the fucking hangovers.

He knew the only way he’d feel better was if he ate something. Coffee always seemed to dull everything. It was hard to move, and he had to block the light as best he could.

All he remembered really was getting extremely wasted, and then partying like there was no tomorrow. Liv had kept her word and stayed completely sober to drive them both home safely. It was the most fun he’d had…. In a long time. He only wished Niall were home so he knew he wasn’t being selfish.

Which was really ridiculous. He shouldn’t feel bad for having fun. But he did, and he didn’t like it. What if Niall was still secretly mad at him? Would he be more mad? Probably not. Ashton knew Niall didn’t want him to be sad forever.

All his movements were delicate as he carefully started up some coffee, and took two advils with some water. He tried not to think too much about it, it hurt to think. Niall always seemed to be able to invade his thoughts though.

He sighed, sitting down and sipping his coffee. If Niall were there, he’d be babying Ashton. The first time he’d gotten drunk at a high school party had been hilarious. He’d mostly been trying to prove a point, but Niall had been there to comfort him and force food down his throat. Good food that he’d made.

Ashton would’ve liked food, but he was a shit cook so he just imagined Niall at the stove, cooking eggs for him and then kissing his head softly while he ate and complained about his headache.

He really wanted Niall home.

 

 

 

Thinking about all the stuff he would change in his life if he had the chance was probably not the best thing to do when you were on your way to a surprise attack on the enemy. It wasn’t going to help Niall get through the day any better, but only make him more bitter. He could only focus on the fact that with a time machine, he’d stop himself from signing up for the army. He knew he just wasn’t cut out for this. There were people like Liam who definitely had, because even as nice as he was, his sense of duty was equally strong, so he could do this job just fine. But Niall just wasn’t. He’d always believed that physical fights were never the answer to any conflict, and actually he liked staying out of any arguments or problems. His father had never seen that though. Niall had always wanted to make his father proud, especially after coming out. Because as much as his dad denied it, Niall was sure he’d seen disappointment in his eyes when he’d given him the news, and the desire to prove himself worthy had intensified. Now that he was actually doing what his beloved dad had asked him to, he thought it wasn’t worth it. And maybe his fondness towards his dad had decreased.   

Niall looked around at the other soldiers and tried to drown down his fear. There were so many things that could go wrong, and it was just dawning on him that the last things he might ever see were guns, blood and corpses lying in a desert. Not all the people he cared for right now, and the ones he would care for if he had a chance to bring them in his life. That meaning his own kids.

Things were good with Ashton, thankfully. After their little misunderstanding they’d gone back to sickeningly sweet messages. Niall couldn’t stand the idea of leaving Ashton behind. They were supposed to live a long happy life together, and that dream might just end today. There was no way to stop the dread from bubbling up in his chest. Niall found his breath quickening as he neared the enemy’s camp, remembering painfully when they’d been in the Iraqi soldiers’ position. That somehow helped him get angry and readier to fight, though the fear of his life ending today didn’t subside. He couldn’t really pay attention to what the commander was telling them, his focus faltering. Before he knew, the military truck’s doors opened, letting the blinding sunlight in, and he was being pushed out by the other soldiers.

For a second Niall couldn’t really bring himself to do anything, his brain taking too long to realise it was actually happening now, that he was supposed to move around and attack, and cause as much damage as possible. He followed a team of his soldiers that he thought he maybe was in a team with, and was a little suspicious when they met almost any resistance or defense. They were able to literally just barge into the barracks, where many surprised soldiers were trying to get their hands on weapons. Niall could hear desperate yelling in a language he didn’t understand as he forced himself to fire numerous shots at lost looking soldiers and it pained him. If the soldiers guarding the U.S. camp that day had been a little less effective or the Iraqi soldiers slightly smoother, that would’ve been him. Getting shot down completely defenseless.

He couldn’t allow himself to feel sorry. He needed to be the monster he was supposed and expected to be. He made the biggest effort to shield himself from every emotion, but every time one of his bullets made contact with a person’s body he thought of Ashton for some reason. Niall wondered sadly if he was really aware that he was engaged to a murderer. Could Ashton even still love him after he found out about all the blood that was now on his hands?

Niall really couldn’t stand the sight of blood gushing out of people’s wounds. Soon though, the Iraqi part started fighting back, and it was obvious that they were angry. They fought aggressively, not holding back with the grenades and other explosives. Niall doubted his heart had ever beaten faster or had he ever heard such an intense buzzing noise before. He had his fair share of cuts and bruises, and a bad burn on his left hand. His head was spinning badly and he felt like he could pass out any minute, which wouldn’t be a good idea considering the armed enemies ready to strike. He managed to catch a glimpse of Louis, hiding behind some wreckage with tears tracing down his cheeks, sinking his nails down a side of his face as if he was punishing himself for something. Niall really didn’t have time to worry about him right now though, there was too much going on.

He didn’t know how much time they were fighting, but he knew his head was pounding and drenched in sweat, his legs and arms were burning with exhaustion and the thoughts in his head were merging together into mush. He wasn’t sure what even was his purpose, he just knew what he had to do. So he did, though his aim was very off by now and his shaking hands weren’t helping. He didn’t allow his brain to process the amount of corpses his eyes were seeing, or the quantity of blood that was staining his uniform. He could hear yelling, screaming and explosions. He thought he heard the latter coming closer, but it could of course just be a trick of his tired brain. Except this time, it wasn’t.

It took Niall a second to process what had actually happened. He registered a massive pain on the back of his body, a painfully loud boom and slumping forward and falling on his face. He could feel hot blood trickling down his forehead and couldn’t find the strength to get back on his feet. He willed himself to keep his eyes open, but every blink lasted longer than the last. He could hear his own breathing and heart beating as his vision blurred, and eventually the weak thread connecting him to consciousness snapped.

  
  
  


“Over here!” Niall said excitedly waving at his friend Ashton. They’d met barely two weeks ago, at the beginning of the school year. Both were new to this high school thing, and this was their first time hanging out together. When Ashton spotted him a small smile tugged at his lips, and Niall thought he looked really cute. Ashton was good looking, he’d noticed that since the start, but now he just looked adorable and it made Niall’s stomach flutter.  

It only took a few seconds for Ashton to walk over to Niall, and he was again reminded of how tall Ashton was. It really wasn’t fair. “Ready?” he asked, adjusting his backpack on his shoulder. Niall had to tilt his chin up slightly to look at Ashton.

“I hope you’re okay with KFC because I’ve been craving some of their greasy chicken for too long.” Niall smiled and when Ashton laughed he felt like kissing him or something. He shook his head. It was way too early to be developing a crush already dammit. Was Ashton even an option? He hadn’t asked.

“KFC is always an okay choice, it’s the king of fast food.” Ashton ran his fingers through his straightened blond hair (yeah probably an option), and jerked his chin in the direction of the restaurant. “We walking?”

“I don’t mind walking.” Niall waited until Ashton nodded his agreement to start walking next to him on the pavement. The restaurant was close enough, and walking felt like making up to all the fat that he was about to eat somehow. “Have you done the History essay yet?” he asked feeling lame for starting conversation with school.

“Nah, I do my best work when I’m pressured with time.”

Niall laughed, maybe a little too loudly. “Yeah, I can relate. I can’t believe the amount of homework they’ve given us already, it’s just the second week!”

“Junior high definitely did not prepare me for this.” Ashton clicked his tongue disapprovingly, but he was smiling. “I like it though. I feel like high school actually gives me a purpose.”

“And helps me meet new people,” Niall said, smiling at Ashton but looked away before he could see any reaction. It was ridiculous how close they were to the KFC. When they were there, Niall pushed the door open and let Ashton go in first.

Ordering didn’t take long, they opted to share a bucket of the fried chicken and each got a drink before going to take a seat next to the window. “Are you trying out for football?”

“I am,” Niall replied, nodding his head eagerly. “I really hope I can make it to the team, I love football. What about you?”

Ashton snorted, sipping his drink. “Yeah if I want to be humiliated and ruin any chance of a good reputation. I think not. I’ll be an unofficial cheerleader.”

“That’s alright. I’ll expect you to cheer for me in every game.” Niall smirked, raising his eyebrows. He managed to make Ashton laugh and he could’ve sworn he saw him blushing too.

“Make the team first and I’ll think about it.” Ashton had two creviced dimples in his cheeks and they were oh so cute when he smiled. Was two weeks too soon to have a crush on someone?

It obviously wasn’t. Niall found it just so easy to talk to Ashton, about anything. They hadn’t really gone over the topic of sexual preferences but if the way he flicked his hair out of his eyes was anything to go by, he probably had a chance. The way Ashton was constantly blushing could probably mean something too.

It ended all too soon. They’d probably been talking for a good hour and a half before one of the employees said that they needed to leave to make room for more customers. Ashton also seemed to agree he had to go home to do homework.

By the way he felt when they hugged each other goodbye, he was positively and absolutely fucked.

  
  
  


The sunlight hurt his eyes as Niall opened them again. He was completely disoriented for a minute. He had some trouble taking in his surroundings and piecing them together. It smelled of blood and sweat, there were doctors and nurses dancing around, and most definitely not the place he’d visited in his dream. Because that’s all it had been, a dream.

One that came directly from his memory, he was sure that had actually happened. Niall felt the piercing urge to scream or cry or both. It had been such a happy time, back then. Silly crushes, parties, stressing over nothing else but school and what had his mom prepared for dinner. He would’ve willingly killed if it meant he could return to that time where everything was easy. Where he’d been happy.

He tried to even out his ragged breathing and swallow his tears. He looked around the medical tent he was in and figured he’d slept through the night. A nurse quickly noticed he was finally up and hurried over with water and some food that tasted like sand. And blood, as his lips were so dry they’d started bleeding. He could feel patches in different areas of his face and a bandage on his left hand. He only felt like falling asleep again, and hopefully dream of Ashton.

Niall was sure he’d never felt this amount of anguish before. He was just so desperate, he didn’t know what to do with himself. He thought of that one time when he was around ten and didn’t know how to swim. He’d fallen into a deep pool and would’ve drowned if it wasn’t for his older brother. He’d never forget the feeling of helplessness he’d experienced when he couldn’t reach the surface, and that’s how he was feeling right now. He wished he had been a bit more like his brother, who had actually been firm on his decision of not joining the army. He wished he could escape.

 


End file.
